Yadda, yadda, yadda. Alana, Aris, Rachel, and Tanasha are mine. The Author Gal is me. 'Tootsie' wrote the story. I'm Aris Merquoni, and you can reach me at flamester@hotmail.com. For references, check my page at: http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/4786/Aris.htm (Yes, I need a non-freeware account somewhere. I'm working on it.) If it's not there, e-mail me and I'll try to explain. I really, seriously attempted to reach the author of the story. If she contacts me (Hello out there in TVland!) with a complaint, I will be happy to take the MiSTing down. However, the e-mail address I tried was no longer in service, and there was no forwarding address, so I have to assume she has lost interest. This is my first real attempt at a full-scale MiSTing, so be kind. Now, on with the show... Mystery Self-Insertion Theater 3000 In the not-too distant future On a seventeen-inch screen A bored and tired writer Was turning somewhat green She was reading fanfics at a prodigious rate And she saw things out there that were not that great So she called up some characters that she liked real well She started up her keyboard and she shot 'em straight to hell... (screams of pain) "I'll send 'em Self-Insertion fanfics The worst I can find (Lalala!) They'll have to sit and watch them all So I can have a good time." (Lalala!) Now keep in mind these guys can't control When the fanfics begin or end (Lalala!) They're stuck here for eter-ni-ty Until the madness ends... Self-insertion characters! Aris! (Huh? What?) Rachel! (Do I have to hurt you?) Tanasha! (Firefoot, no...) Alaaaaaaaaaana! (I am not a self-insertion character!) If you're wondering how they got here and now and other science facts Just repeat to yourself 'it's just an idea, I should really just relax' For Mystery Self-Insertion Theater 3000! (sproing!) [Door sequence.] [Opening shot, SOL. Aris, a tall brunette with blue eyes, is sitting behind the desk reading. Everyone else is offstage. Aris turns a page, then glances up toward the camera.] ARIS: Oh, hi there. I'm Aris. I don't know where the other three are, but I think- [From offstage comes the sounds of a fight- more to the point, of a fighting game. Aris winces.] ARIS: ... Rachel got her system set up, and she and Tanasha... you get the idea. [she shudders.] Violent bunch, they are. [ALANA shuffles on from stage right. That's the left side of the screen for those of you dramatically challenged.] ARIS: Oh, hi, Alana. [ALANA looks up, smiles slightly.] ALANA: Hi, there. Is there any coffee in this place? ARIS: I think so, somewhere under the counter. [ALANA nods, then dives under the counter to dig it up.] ARIS: So, anyway, how's life going for you? ALANA: Oh, not too bad. I mean, one instant I'm getting vaporized by a fraggin' huge laser beam, the next I'm in the next room, lost in the middle of a huge underwear collection stamped 'property of Tom Servo.' [ARIS has gone back to reading her novel, and isn't really listening.] ARIS: Umm humm. ALANA: I really thought the comic books were a little much, though. Do you know who this Tom Servo person is? ARIS: Unh umm. ALANA: Oh. Oh! I found the coffee. ARIS: Umm humm. [ALANA reappears from underneath the counter, notices that ARIS is in la-la-land, and decides to see how far she's gone.] ALANA: Lessee... do you think I should spraypaint this place? It looks kinda dull. ARIS: Umm humm. ALANA: I think I can make a blowtorch out of a spraycan and some pipe and singe all of your hair off. Won't that be nice? ARIS: Umm humm. ALANA: I can prolly get Tanasha to lend me that Th-varian opera tape she has and play it in here at full volume. ARIS: Umm humm. ALANA: And I can cover that book you're reading with vegetable oil... ARIS: Don't. Touch. The. Book. ALANA: Dang. You're awake again. [TANASHA and RACHEL enter from stage left. They're feinting at each other and generally look like they just had a satisfactory time blowing each other to bits or whatever.] ALANA: Hey, you two. How'd it go? TEE: I- RACH: I have bested the foul heretic! Three times I drove her from the holy lands and- hey, Aris, whatcha reading? ARIS: Mmm. TEE [to ALANA]: She won. Barely. I *nearly* had her down to nothing, and- ALANA: I get the idea. [What used to be the Mads light flashes.] RACH: Hey! We got a call. [She glances at ARIS, then grabs the book from the Dwagin's hands. ARIS squeaks in indignation.] ARIS: Hey- [RACHEL uses the book to whack the light.] [Deep 13. Well, what used to be Deep 13. It looks different now. For one thing, the walls have been wallpapered, and the walls and floor that used to be covered with electronic gizmos are now covered with books, CDs, disks, statuettes, discarded scrunchees, clothes, cards, and other misc. junk. A teenaged gal reclines in a computer chair, her feet on a desk and a keyboard in her lap. The screen is facing away from the camera. She looks up.] AUTHORGAL: Oh, hi there. How are your accomodations up there? [SOL] ALL: Terrible. [D13] AGAL: Well, sorry about that. Not much I could do about the previous residents. You wouldn't believe the stuff that was left over down here... ah, well. [She hits a few keys on her keyboard.] Your story for today is something I dug up from a Newsies site... [SOL] RACH: Oh, no. Not someone trashing the guys... ARIS [back in her book]: Mmm. ALANA: What? What's going on? TEE: And *what* were you doing surfing a Newsies fanfic site? [D13] AGAL[glowering at TEE's comment]: Never you mind. Anyway, it's called "One of Those Girls" and it's by a gal named 'Tootsie,' who happens to be the main character in the story. Unsurprising. It's a rehashed love story plot which makes me wonder where these kids get the money to fall in love. Enojy! [SOL - warning buzzer, etc. are going off.] RACH: Maybe they take collections. ALL: ACK! WE'VE GOT SI SIGN! [Door sequence. The gals enter the theater and take seats in front of the text scroller.] >One of Those Girls RACH: Oh, one of *those* girls. ALANA: What did I ever do to deserve this? TEE: Easy. You're an SI character. ALANA: No, I'm not! >by Tootsie ARIS: Dustin Hoffman? >How about I start at the beginning? TEE: Naah, how about you start at the middle, run full charge into the setup, then loop to the end before flashing back to the beginning? ARIS: Bitter, Tanasha? ALANA: Whaddya mean, I'm an SI character? I'm not! > My name’s Tootsie. RACH: And I'm a certified alcoholic. OTHERS: Hi, Tootsie! >I’m from Brooklyn. ARIS: I like watersports, roses, and long romantic walks on the beach. [ALL hum music from The Love Connection] >A newsie, of course, taking after my brother. RACH: ... at a dead run after the creep snapped my bra. ARIS: They didn't have elastic bra straps in 1899. RACH: So what? >Maybe you heard of him. Name’s Spot Conlon. RACH [in shock]: Nuh-unh. Spot doesn't have a sister. And if he does, she wouldn't have a ridiculous name like... like... like... ARIS: Like 'Tootsie?' RACH: Exactly. TEE: Alana, you're an SI character like the rest of us. Admit it. >I’ve been living with the Brooklyn boys for as long as >I remember. I’m a year younger than Spot, and when he >brought me here, well, I was too little to remember >much of anything. ARIS: *bweep!* Uncannonality warning! RACH: ... So *why* was this never mentioned to me? >Every morning I get up TEE: ... sneak into the boys' room, and set up a pan of warm water; and sometimes I cover them in whipped cream! ARIS: Tee, I am never sleeping over at your place again. >and sell papes, just like any other newsie. RACH: Except for the fact that I'm a girl, which means I angst constantly about the fact that I'm not treated fairly. ALANA: And have better skin. >I don’t expect to be treated any differently, and I’m >usually not. ARIS: Except for the time that Race tried to pants me. ALANA: *grumble* I'm not SI. TEE: Shaddup. >You know what’s funny? ARIS: Gary Larson cartoons? TEE: The violent bits of Heinlein stories? RACH: Harry Harrison's Stainless Steel Rat novels? ALANA: Rebo and Zooty's latest routine? >To watch all the girl newsies TEE: She's right, guys. Watching girl newsies is funnier than *all* of those! RACH: Shaddup. >(or newsettes, as a friend of mine likes to call them) >being all lovey-dovey with “their” guys. It’s just >funny. ALL: We're laughing. Really. >I’m not going to fall in love. I’m just not right for >it. TEE: Okay, betting pool is open. Who's gonna be the guy this gal goes head-over- heels for? ARIS: I call Jack. RACH: No way, Jack's got Sarah. I call Race. ALANA: What are you talking about? TEE: I call Bumlets. ARIS: Alana, just pick a- oh, right. Give her Blink. ALANA: What? >Maybe you’re thinking I won’t fall in love because I >ain’t pretty. ALL: Yep! TEE: No, wait, this is SI. This Mary Sue's gonna be dolled up like... like... ARIS: Let's just say a supermodel and not offend anyone, 'kay? TEE: *grumble* Okay. >WELL! [ALANA makes a buzzer sound] RACH[a la 'Jeapordy']: What is a hole in the ground? >I think you’d better stop and think that over. ALANA: Okay, I've thought it over. You're *still* not getting the Beanie Baby 2000- z set. >I can’t even walk down the street dressed in girl’s >clothes without guys whistling at me. So I don’t. RACH: I go butt-naked. More fun. [RACHEL and ALANA high-five. ARIS and TEE exchange glances] ARIS: Err... no. >Besides, that’d ruin my newsie cover. RACH: Oh, you want *cover.* TEE: That's generally what clothes are for. ARIS: We hope. >I’ve got long hair that’s kind of hard to get in my hat >every day, but somehow I manage, and sparkling grey >eyes. ARIS[as if hit on the head]: Look at the pretty grey sparkles... >Spot says they’re my best feature. ALANA: Piff. He's her brother. He'd never *compliment* her. RACH: SI fanfic, remember. ALANA: ... right. >I’m kind of short. I’m only 5’2, but that doesn’t >matter. I can soak any scab that THINKS about comin’ >near my selling spot, and any Delancy that thinks he >owns the place. TEE: *tweet!* Inappropriate use of the slang term 'scab,' 15 yard penalty, first down! >*** ARIS[holding her hands up to make a frame]: Modern art! ALANA: It looks like a Minbari religious symbol. TEE: It's a tribble shooting gallery. RACH: PULL! *squee!* >Yesterday ARIS: Aww, it's just a scene change. >Jack invited me to go to Tibby’s with Dutchy and Race TEE: Dutchy? No way. ARIS: It could still be Bumlets. I think. RACH: No way. She mentions three guys in the first scene, she's gonna be together with one of 'em by the end of the story. [turning to ARIS] Race! ARIS: Jack! ALANA: What're you talking about? >so we could get a bite to eat TEE: ... plan arson... ALANA: Bitter, Tee? TEE: Yes. >and make a plan for a little birthday party for Spot. ALANA: Cake? RACH: Check. ALANA: Candles? RACH: Check. ALANA: Napalm? RACH: Check. ALANA: Minbari-killer Z-9000 triple rocket launchers? RACH: Check. ALANA: Celine Dion's _Titanic_ album? RACH: Oh, let's not be *cruel.* >I try not to look too much like a girl when I go out, >but I DON’T want to look like a boy. ARIS: I wanna look androgynous. TEE: I wanna look boring. ALANA: I wanna look undecided. RACH: I wanna look wimpy. >It kinda makes people suspicious. TEE: ... as opposed to them welcoming you with open arms? >I like the fact people are drawn to my being such a >‘Cute Boy’ RACH: We call those people homosexual, nowadays. Back then, they were perverts and sex offenders. ALANA: Really? RACH: Basically, she's asking for it. >as they like to call me. ARIS: They like to call me... Bob. >Helps me sell more papes. ALANA: So the moral of the story is, girls, go out and pretend to be gay guys in order to twist feelings and get money? RACH: Whatever works to undermine Bill Gates... >So I wore an ugly old wool skirt Medda gave me. (She >doesn’t wear it anymore, and she knows about my little >cover, TEE: You normally go around with little cover? ARIS[Psychiatrist]: Yes, I see... and how long has this shedding of cover been going on? >so she gives me clothes and material, and is trying to >teach me a thing or two about being a lady.) ARIS: That was a run on sentence if I ever saw one. RACH: Ever heard of, 'show, don't tell?' >Maybe it was just my imagination, but I could swear >Dutchy was staring at me. ALL: It was just your imagination. >I was sitting across the table from him and we were all >talking and laughing and joking around when TEE: ... suddenly the place went up in a roaring fireball and we all died! The end, let's go. RACH: Bitter, Tee? TEE: Yes. >he got real quiet and didn’t do anything but smile and >look at me. ALANA[as Dutchy]: Duh, girl pretty... >I began to wonder what he was thinking about. TEE[as Dutchy]: I think I can bore a hole through her head through sheer force of will if I just... keep... staring... ARIS[as Dutchy]: Wow! I can see her brain through her nose! RACH[as Dutchy]: 42! I've got it! It's 42! >Even worse, I think I actually liked it! ARIS: Help! I have hormones! >So today, I went up to Jack and TEE: Blew his head off with a sawed-off shotgun. ARIS: We get the idea, Tee. RACH: They don't have sawed-off shotguns in 1899. I looked. >asked him about last night. RACH: Was that *really* you and Dutchy in the shower I saw- ARIS: Rachel, no. Please, keep to at least Tom Lehrer taste, okay? RACH[pouting]: Okay. >About whether I should tell Spot about his party or not, ALANA: Naah, just blab the surprise party all across town. >and just talking, in general. ARIS: About general stuff, like general things and vaguely general topics. >One thing lead to another. TEE: Nah, one thing *really* led to the super underground plan to cause a multithermonuclear explosion in the middle of New York City! MWAHAHA- sorry. ARIS: Bitter, Tee? TEE: Not really. >He told me Dutchy’d gone sweet, ARIS: Bada-bing! It's Dutchy. Guess nobody wins. RACH: Wait! It could still be Race! ALANA: I don't understand you people. >but he wouldn’t say who on. TEE: This is a clue. ARIS: This is a clue-by-four. RACH: This is your brain on drugs. Any questions? >I poked, tickled, and begged him to tell me, but he just >wouldn’t say. He said it was a secret. I got frustrated >with him and left. ALANA[as Tootsie]: Hmph! I'm gonna leave you all alone and cold! >*** TEE: More tribbles! RACH: PULL! *squee!* ARIS: Maybe they're flatcats. ALANA: Let's take a break, guys. [They exit. Door sequence.] [Bridge of the SOL. Everyone's milling about, but TANASHA is conspicuously absent.] ALANA: What *is* a flatcat, anyway? ARIS: A tribble that someone's stepped on. TEE: Ahh-hah! [TEE appears from behind the desk with a laptop. She is grinning fiercely.] ARIS: Whaddya got there, Tanasha? TEE: It's the way to *prove* that Alana's self-insertion! ALANA: What?! RACH[reading]: "The Mary Sue Litmus Test"? But you can be self-insertion and not a Mary Sue! TEE: This is a variation of the real one. My theory is, if Alana gets a high enough score, she'll be *proved* to be a SI character! ARIS: All nice in theory. But how do we see if an answer is a 'yes' or a 'no'? [ALL turn to stare at TEE, who is buffing her nails on her collar.] TEE: Oh, magic voice? MAGIC VOICE: Huh? What? TEE: Please confirm answers for us, kay? MV: Oh, sure. TEE: Okay! Alana, are you named after the author, or do you have a name the author would like to have? ALANA: How should I know? MV: Yep. ALANA: Dang. MV: ... she started using the nickname after the story went online. ALANA: See! See! TEE: It still counts! ARIS: Get on with it. TEE: Fine. [clears throat] Alana, are you the same race/gender/age as the writer? ALANA: [thinks] Female, yes, I'm sure. Dunno- MV: Race, yes. Age, no. TEE: [raises eyebrow] Oh, really. How old are you, Alana? ALANA[Sheila Bryant impression]: I'm going to be thirty real soon. And I'm *real* glad! TEE: Right. That cuts that... [hits keys] Do you have the same job? ALANA: I'm a programmer. I work bad hours for crumbs. [glances at ceiling] MV: Yup. TEE: Gotcha! Do you have any super-spiffy neat powers like teek or telepathy? ALANA: The Psi-Corps agents said I was so dead on the meter, I might as well have been a brick. TEE: Oh. Fine. Did you fall in love with slash have sex with... hmm. This is a long list... Sinclair, Sheridan, Ivanova, Marcus, Doc Franklin, Lennier, Kosh, Lyta, Garibaldi, Talia, Morden- ALANA: Ack! TEE: [pauses] Oh, really? ALANA: This isn't fair. you're gonna prove me a Mary Sue, and I didn't even get to fu- ARIS and TEE: Language. [ALANA looks frustrated for an instant, then sighs.] ALANA: Yiff. [ARIS and TANASHA blink at her for an instant in shock] ARIS[weakly]: Yiff? ALANA: Or Ch'rowl. Or whatever. [ARIS and TANASHA exchange a glance.] ARIS and TEE[shocked and disgusted]: Yiff. RACH[chuckling]: Yiff. Great one. [Buzzers and lights go off] ALL: AHH! WE'VE GOT SI SIGN! [Door sequence] ARIS: So, Tee, what does your little quiz show? TEE: Shaddup. >When I got home today (home is my room adjoining Spot’s. RACH: Buck-a-chicka-wow... ARIS: No. Period. >I share it with Song. ALANA: You share your room with a bunch of lyrics attributed to a melody? TEE: Not 'a song,' 'Song.' I think it's a character's name. >She’s real spunky an’ I approve of her) I ate my supper >quietly, and all the guys were staring at me real funny. ARIS[as zombie]: Freesssssh.... meeeeeeaatt... TEE[as Torgo]: tHE masTer wiLL SEe you NOw RACH: Tee, no. >Not saying anything, just staring. ARIS[as J.T. Springer]: Can I watch you eat lunch? TEE[as Melanie]: No! >Like they were trying to figure something out. RACH: 42! ARIS: It's Coco Puffs, Bob! ALANA: How much wood *could* a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? >I said, real loud “Whatsa matta wit ya, ya bums?” TEE[sarcastic]: We were just waiting for your *divine* presence to leave before we resumed conversation. >Nobody said anything. ARIS: They've been struck dumb! ALANA: Aiee! It's Mary Sue! Must... not... speak... >Then, all of a sudden, they all started talking to each >other. I was getting suspicious by this time. RACH: Actually, I think this is normal guy behavior. >Spot came and sat down next to me. ALL: Eew! Cooties! >“What’sa mattah wit you?” he asked, teasingly. TEE: Nothing much, I just got this axe stuck in my head. How've you been? >“Ain’t nothin’ the mattah! What’sa mattah wit dem isa >question?!” RACH[Brooklyn]: Whassamattah wit' you, punk? TEE: I *refuse* to parse that accent. ARIS: Ditto! >Spot changed the subject, obviously a little nervous. RACH: Spot Conlon? 'Ah little noivous?' I never seen the day! ALANA: Uh, Rachel's getting an accent. ARIS: We noticed. >“Say, I’m goin’ up ta Medda’s tanite wit some of da >boys. Don’t suppose you’d wanna come, wouldja?” TEE: No habla Ingles, senor! ARIS: No comprende Brooklyneese, senor! ALANA: Sprichst du Deutsch? >“Suah, [ALL stare in confusion] RACH: Uhm... 'Sugah' missing a 'g'? ALANA: Sewer, spelled phonetically? ARIS: Suture, really misspelled? TEE: Suez, as in the canal? > why not? Ain’t nothin’ bettah ta do. TEE: Except for blowing things up. ARIS[as Spot]: By the way, have you seen my marble collection? RACH[as Tootsie]: Ummm.... kaboom? >Besides sit around an’ play poker, that ain’t no fun. ALANA: Ahh, she sucks at poker, then? ARIS: SI fanfic, remember. ALANA: Right. So she is *so* good it's no fun to fleece the rest for their money. RACH: Tell that to Racetrack. >Not taday, wit all them guys actin’ weird. It’s like >they know somethin’ I don’t!” TEE[sarcastic]: No, you're *way* too smart for that... >“Yeah. Hey, do me a favah? ARIS: No, but I'll do you a favor. RACH: Let up. >How’s about ya dress up in somethin’ nice tanite? RACH: I like pimping for- OW! [ARIS removes her foot from RACHEL'S] TEE: Nicht. >There’s gonna be a dance, and I betcha there’ll be a guy >for ya! ALANA: Or two, or three, seeing as this *is* SI. >Besides, maybe I’ll show everybody what a pretty sister >I got.” Spot poked me in the ribs. RACH: Toldja. >“You know how I feel about guys, mouth! I ain’t tryin’ >ta impress nobody! But fer you, alright.” ARIS: Does anyone else find it suspicious that she's actually being convinced by her brother? TEE: Naah. >I hugged me ALANA: That would be interesting to watch. RACH: I think I saw a contortionist do that once. >brother, pleased he actually wanted to show me off for >once in his life. ARIS: Oh, so he's the kind of brother who smeared his little sister with mud? RACH: More likely the overprotective Big Brother type. TEE: Are you happy, Citizen? >*** ARIS: Maybe they're Motie Watchmakers. TEE: I don't think Niven, Pournelle, Heinlein, or Roddenberry want *anything* to do with this fanfic, Aris. ARIS: True. >When I got there, I was all dressed up, wit even a RACH: Wit? TEE: Halfwit. >little ribbon in my hair that I borrowed from Sarah. I >felt like a queen or something! ALANA[as Tootsie]: I am the queen! BOW TO ME! TEE[as Marrissa]: And I'm also a Princess! Did I mention that I'm a Princess? >It isn’t every day I get all dolled up for no reason - >or listen to my brother. Only for weddings and funerals. TEE: Ooh! Is someone gonna die? ARIS: More likely someone's gonna get married. >Not for some dance, and certainly not for some guy! ALL: Yes, we know, we know. RACH: You know, I don't think she's even convincing herself. >But I’d planned on asking Dutchy who the lucky girl was >he was sweet on. TEE[sarcastic]: Hmm... this is a TOUGH one. >For as long as I can remember, I always had a funny >feeling we’d end up together, ARIS: *groan* RACH[as Dakota Melody]: We were made for each other. >but I never actually thought about it. TEE[as Tootsie]: In fact, I never actually thought about *anything!* > It wasn’t like I >was sweet on him or anything, ALL: Suuuuuuuure you're not... > I just had a feeling. ARIS: o/~ What a feeling! o/~ >After all, I’d heard that Race was sweet on me, and Race >doesn’t go sweet on anybody!!! That’s an encouraging >thought! RACH: Ha! It might be Race! TEE: But she 'has a feeling' that she and Dutchy'll be together! ALANA: Uhh? >I walked in, escorted by Spot, who was trying to be a >gentleman. ARIS: Note the stress on 'trying.' >He said since he was family, and since we were a little >late, I had to dance with him first. RACH: Eew! She hasta dance with her *brother!* ARIS: This is the equivalent of taking your dad to a Junior Sadie's dance. Nothing *too* disgusting, but not what you want to be remembered for. >So I did, and I could tell he was showing off. TEE: I could just... tell. >Showing me off, and showing himself off. RACH: Buck-a-chicka-wow... ALANA: You know, I think she might actually be on target. > During a fast song, "What?” >I asked impatiently. “I start ta have fun an’ ya gotta >pull me away.” I was getting frustrated, he could tell. ARIS: "During a fast song, 'what?'" Are we missing something? TEE: Maybe he's poking her. Or something. >“Heah me out. ALANA: Heah me, heah me. > Now do me one othah favor. Be Chloe >tanite.” TEE: Be someone else. I'm tired of you. >This kind of shocked me. RACH[as Tootsie]: You want me to take the place of your dead mistress? > I hadn’t heard him say that >name in years. Chloe’s my real name. ALANA: Wait. If she has a nice name like Chloe, why does she go by 'Tootsie?' ARIS: 'cause she's really Dustin Hoffman. ALANA: Oh. Huh? > He’d told me, when I >was around six, before I became a newsie, RACH[Tootsie]: Before I lost the ability to think coherently, >that he’d never tell anybody my name unless some boy who >was very serious about me asked Spot’s permission to see >me. ARIS[as J.T. Springer]: Can I watch your sister eat lunch? TEE[as Melanie]: No! >(Because, after all, nobody in their right minds asks the >Conlons anything unless they’re serious or crazy.) RACH: Or seriously crazy. ALANA: Or crazily serious. >I knew it was Race. RACH: See! ARIS: Give it up. ALANA: What are you *talking* about? ARIS: Who's gonna end up with Tootsie. ALANA: Oh. What? >But he was taken! RACH: Rook takes queen. > Did he really like me more? I nodded to Spot. TEE[as Tootsie]: Then my head fell off, blood squirting from the severed stump of my neck, and I died! ALL: Bitter, Tee? TEE: Yes! >He smiled and gave me a little push. [ARIS preemptively steps on RACH's foot] RACH: Ow! What? >As if to say “Go on, get out of here. Have fun.” ALANA: So, why didn't he just say it? TEE: 'cause she kicked him in the balls, and it'd come out soprano? ALANA: We wish. >This was a big night for me! RACH[as Tootsie]: No longer would I be a v- ARIS: NO, Rach. RACH: That's within Lehrer standards! ARIS: Mel Brooks standards, then. RACH: That's worse. ARIS: Monty Python. RACH: Ha! I can get away with anything! ARIS: Yeah, but you have to say it in a british accent, or it doesn't count. RACH: Dang! >Not only was I all gussied up, but now I’m supposed to be >Chloe? ALANA: Didn't we just go over this? >I couldn’t believe it! ARIS: Unfortunately, I can. >I went over to where all the newsies were and started >talking. RACH[british]: So, you and the girl interested in photography? Wink wink, nudge nudge, saynomore SAY NO MORE! TEE: Good girl. >People were there that I hadn’t seen in a long time! ALANA: The blindfold might have something to do with that. RACH: Not to mention the cuffs, whips and- ARIS: If you can't think of a Monty Python sketch, no deal. RACH: Aww! >Lots of newsie couples. Everyone was smiling. But one >thing made me nervous. TEE: The chainsaws. Must have been the chainsaws that everyone was carrying. >I was one of the few single newsettes left! They’d all >gone and fallen in love. ALANA: So, Tootsie's the loser at the college reunion? ARIS: Yep. >Crutchy came up behind me and gave me a hug, scaring me >senseless. ALL: AAH!! COOTIES!! >I turned around and he said “My, don’t you look >beautiful?? I ain’t nevah seen such a pretty sight!” RACH: Crutchy always *was* a bit rattled in the head. >I blushed. How could I resist? ARIS: o/~ Forbidden, yet I could not / Re-sist! o/~ >“May I ‘ave the pleasure of dancin’ with you?” He bowed. RACH: o/~ And we both turned quite green to the strains of the vienerschnitzel waltz! o/~ >He didn’t look so bad himself. Everyone was all dressed >up, including the newsies. All dressed like a bunch of >scabs ALANA: Like a bunch of unhealed wounds? ARIS: Actually, 'scab' is the 19/20th century slang term for 'strikebreaker'. ALANA: Oh. So, why... ARIS: Don't ask me. >(but they actually looked nice dressing that way). ALANA: What way? RACH: Wrong way. ARIS: One way street. TEE: Street pizza. ALANA: Oh. What? >I started to dance with Crutchy. It was a bit awkward at >first, with is foot and all, TEE: I really shouldn't have waltzed him into the bear trap. >but eventually (near the end of the song) we got the hang >of it. He’s a really good dancer, surprisingly! ARIS: o/~ You can talk about cha-cha / Tango, waltz, or de rumba - o/~ TEE: Aris, NO. >When the song was over, I looked around a bit more. I saw >Dutchy, Race and Mush talking to each other about some >horse Race had bet on. RACH: And lost on, most likely. ARIS: Don't be mean. RACH: Who's mean? I'm stating a fact! >I walked over to them and curtsied, like Chloe would’ve >done. ALANA: Chloe would've? But she's Chloe! TEE: Maybe she's not! Maybe 'Tootsie' is an alien parasite taking over her mind and- ARIS: Naah, that'd be a plot twist, *and* a cliche. While I don't mind a plot twist... TEE: Oh, right. >They all took off their hats and bowed. TEE: And arrowed. >Mush said “My, you’re awful gussied up! ALANA: What's 'gussied', anyway, and how do you say it? ARIS: Like that. ALANA: Oh, right. HUH? >Who ya tryin’ to impress??” RACH[as Tootsie]: You'll do. >I glared at him. “Nobody, an’ you know it!” ARIS[as Mush]: I know nothing! Don't shoot! >“Deah me!” he exclaimed. “Who is this beautiful goyl? I >ain’t nevah seen her before in me life!” TEE: It has something to do with the burning coals that got in his eyes. >He winked, took off his hat and kissed my hand. ALL: EEW! Cooties! ALANA: Why are we doing that? RACH: Dunno. >“I don’t suppose dis princess would like to dance wit the >likesa me, would she?” RACH: Even *I* can't parse that. >I laughed and danced with him. We sort of danced away >from Dutchy, who had started dancing with a girl I’d >never seen before. ALANA[as Tootsie]: I swear, officer! I'd never seen her before in my life! > I saw him with her, and got a funny >feeling. ARIS: o/~ Rave on, it's a crazy feelin'... o/~ TEE: And this girl's head is surely reeling... > Like I wanted to be her. Like I was jealous! RACH[Valley girl]: Like, oh my God, I, like, thought that I would, like, want to be some, like, girl dancing with, like, him! ALANA: You do that too well. >“Stop lookin’ at ‘im,” TEE: You'll go blind. > Race said. ALANA: Race? But wasn't she dancing with Mush? ARIS: Try not to think about it too hard, dear. It doesn't hurt so much that way. >“If you ain’t careful, ‘e might see ya!” He smiled. TEE: And then he'd have to destroy you in a firey pyrotechnics explosion to protect his secret identity. Too bad. And yes, I am bitter. >“Race, is she the one ‘e’s gone sweet on?” I asked. ARIS: 'Gone sweet on?' RACH: No grammarflames, Aris, this is Newsiespeak. ARIS: They could at least have it make sense! >“Are you kiddin’ me? You ain’t hoid?” He seemed confused. TEE[as Tootsie]: No, I ain't hoid nuthin' since the spike went through my head. ALANA: Tanasha, you frighten me. TEE: Thanks. >“All’s I hoid is that you was sweet on me.” RACH: Yes! See! I'm right! Ha! Pay up! >“Naw!! It ain’t me, though you do look ravishing tanite. [RACH stops cheering rather suddenly] RACH: What?! ARIS: I told you to give it up. RACH: But... but... ALANA: Come on. Even *I* could see that those two weren't going to end up together. RACH: *grumble* >It’s Dutchy! The fool’s crazy aboutcha!” ALL: This is a revelation? >I stopped dancing, stunned. ARIS[as Tootsie]: My God! So *that's* the plot premise! ALANA: So, wait. According to this, everyone except for Tootsie is paired up, right? So all of the unpaired guys must be *real* losers! RACH: Yep. ALANA: So, the only guy she has a chance of getting must be a *real* loser. TEE: Basically, yeah. ALANA: Just wanted to get that clear. >I turned back to Race. ARIS: o/~ Turning around and around... o/~ TEE: Where did *that* come from? ARIS: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. TEE: I had to ask. >“Now, don’t tease. I mean, look at the two a’ them! ALANA: Dutchy is plural all of a sudden? RACH: Methinks Tootsie needs glasses. >They’s happy as pigs in slop! They’s in love! Can’tcha >tell?” My voice had a tone ARIS: Om. > of panic in it. > >“Shhh, quiet down, Toots. ALANA: 'Toots?' I'd slap a guy for less. RACH: It's short for Tootsie. I think. ALANA: I'd slap a guy for calling me Tootsie, too! > If you don’t like him so much, >why’s ya so worried about ‘im? TEE[as Tootsie]: Because *I* want to be the one to grind him into the dust! > If ya don’t care none, >just go up an’ talk to ‘im.” ALANA: Wasn't the point to get her to talk with him because she does care? RACH: I think so. ALANA: Just making that clear. > Race looked at me with a >straight face and a stern eye. ARIS: Or a straight eye and a stern face. RACH: Or not. > “Now, is ya gonna make >nice, or am I gonna have ta force ya ta dance wit ‘im?” ALL: You're going to have to force her. >I didn’t know what to say. For the first time in my life, >I was speechless. ARIS: 'Not knowing what to say,' usually counts as speechless. RACH: But it's her first time! It's special! ARIS: I'm going to hope you didn't mean anything by that comment, Rachel. > I didn’t want to be one of those girls >that always clung. ALANA[Minnesotan]: Oh, just a dryer sheet will get rid of those clingy girls, dontcha know. TEE[same]: Oh, ya. [normal] Alana, where did you learn to do that accent? ALANA: We all have our secrets. > I just turned to look for Spot’s >approval. RACH: You need your brother's approval for everything? ARIS: She was surpressed as a child. > Like he’d know what to do. TEE[sarcastic]: Like *he'd* know what to do. RACH[Valley Girl]: Like, I mean, he'd know what to *do!* > He was busy talking >with Song...his girl. My friend. > >“Spot’s busy. ALL: We noticed. > ‘E RACH: E sharp? ARIS: 'E wouldn't be sharp even if he used a whetstone on his brain. > knows already, anyway, Toots. Just worry >‘bout Dutchy. TEE[as Race]: Now, here's a list of Dutchy's habits, his favorite foods, naptime, and when you'll need to take him out for a walk. Thanks for looking after him for me! > ‘E’s goin’ mad waitin’ fer ya jest ta talk >to ‘im.” Race said, as if he were my conscience. ALANA: Yeah, he's foaming at the mouth and chewing up the furniture. >“Suah. RACH[as if calling a pig]: Soo-EE! > I’ll go... talk to ‘im.” I said, as if in a dream. >I walked over to him. ARIS[as Tootsie, dazed]: Must... follow... plot... >He was laughing and joking with the girl that I now >recognized as TEE: Mrs Peacock! It was you, in the lounge, with the candlestick! > one of the rich girls who occasionally >brings us food. RACH[as Tootsie]: She always brought stale Mac and Cheese. The white cheddar stuff. ARIS: Eeewwwwwww. > At first, I don’t think he knew who I >was. TEE: The amnesia from the accident with the motorcycle and the horse... ALANA: Don't elaborate. > He kind of ignored me. I tapped him on the shoulder. TEE: It fell off. Bad glue... >The girl looked crushed. Like I’d just stolen the man of >her dreams, just by tapping him on the shoulder. TEE: ... well, 'tapping' him with a chainsaw was a little much... ALANA: Stoppit, you're making the rest of us depressed. >Dutchy spun around quickly. He got that funny look on >his face again. ARIS: What funny look? And where have we seen it before? RACH: The search for the funny look, next on Unsolved Mysteries! >“I’ve been waiting for you.” He smiled. I’d forgotten how >great his smile was. TEE: Memory problems. ARIS[as Tootsie]: Hey! Where'd you come from? >“I know. C’mon, let’s dance.” I offered my hand, and >before I knew it, hours had gone by. ALANA: The legend of Rip van Tootsie! > We talked about >anything and everything. RACH: And everything and anything. TEE: And stuff. ARIS: I sense a flashback to an earlier conversation here. > Then, somehow, the girl he’d been >talking to earlier came up in our conversation. RACH[as Tootsie]: So, Dutchy, I'm having a wonderful time tonight. WHO WAS THAT HUSSY I SAW YOU WITH? ALANA: Ahh, yes, failed conversation transitions. >“She’s just an old friend. ALL: Suuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrre. > We used to date, but I guess I >was never crazy about her.” ARIS: Gibbering mad, yes. Neurotic, yes. Just plain crazy? No. >“Well, Dutchy, she looked like RACH: A two-bit dimestore floozie. > she wanted ta be more than >a friend! ARIS: She wanted to be... a lumberjack! [ALL start humming the opening bars to the Lumberjack Song] > Didja see the look she got when I went ta talk >to ya?” RACH: She looked queazy. Have you been hoarding the pepto-bismol? >“I... no. I don’t care about her anymore, Chloe.” TEE[as Dutchy]: I don't care about anything anymore! I'm going to celebrate by going on a killing spree around Manhattan! MWAHAHAHAA!! ARIS: Tee... nevermind. >Again, I stood still in the middle of the dance floor. ARIS[as Tootsie]: Then I started jerking spasmodically as the alien parasite ate its way into my brain... TEE: And you say I'M dark. >Race was right. RACH: ... For once. > It was him! ARIS: Dustin Hoffman! TEE: The man in black! ALANA: Lazarus Long! RACH: Cootchy the Spice Gerbil! > No sooner had I stopped >dancing than Specs came up behind me, sat me on his >shoulder and twirled me around. ALANA[as Tootsie]: I screamed for the police on charges of assault and battery. > Dutchy laughed. So did >most of the crowd in the theatre. ARIS[as Tootsie]: You DARE to laugh at me? I'll crush your heads, you worthless peons! BOW TO ME! TEE: Aris, are you okay? ARIS: Yep. TEE: Good. > Somehow, I even >laughed. Specs danced away from the center of the crowd >and carried me outside, where he let me down. RACH: What a letdown, man. >“You saved me, Specs. ALANA[as Tootsie]: You saved me from the weight of my own futility. > I was just standin’ there like a >fool.” I put my head in my hands. TEE[as Tootsie]: Then I put a cover on my neck to keep the blood from getting on my dress. >“He don’t care. ALANA[as Tootsie]: I knew it! *bursts into tears* > He’s so crazy ‘boutcha. He couldn’t care >if you was some milkmaid ‘er even a scab! RACH[as Specs]: Yeah, even if you was a clotted wound he'd be crazy over ya! Sick in de head, Dutchy is... > An’ I got >reason ta believe you’re sweet on ‘im, too!” He poked me >in the stomach and winked. [ALL blink at the screen] RACH: Umm... they never mentioned she was pregnant. >“So, yer sayin’, like, I gotsta say yes er no tanite. >Else I’d be hoitin’ ‘im.” ARIS: Did we miss half of the conversation, or is there logic to this statement? TEE: Don't think, dear. It hurts too much. >He didn’t say anything, which I knew meant yes. RACH[as Alaska Airlines guy] And, since silence is consent under the law, you agree that Alaska Airlines has the lowest rates and top-quality service! > I nodded >and walked in, leaving him outside. ALANA: Loser! > I fought my way >through the crowd to find Dutchy. TEE: Keiiii! Woa! Kya, kya! Hiya! [other Jackie Chan-esque noises] > I couldn’t find him >anywhere! ALL: [dramatic chord] > I searched the rest of the night. He was >nowhere to be found. TEE: He had been abducted and tortured by aliens in secret! ALANA: Who wanted to incorporate him into their cover-up for the time-travelling bureau's Kennedy Assasination Project! ARIS: Who were also part of the right-winged Republican Grand Conspiracy! RACH: Who are we kidding here? He probably got bored and wandered off. >*** ARIS: Let's take a break. [door sequence] [Bridge of the SOL. Everyone is offstage.] [RACHEL enters from stage left, carrying a stack of newspapers and whistling. She stops center stage and strikes a pose.] RACH: Hark! I am a nubile young female newsie-wannabe! Here I go to join my newsie friends and Make Money Fast as a joyful singing tomboy! [ALANA, ARIS, and TANASHA enter from stage right, carrying newspapers. ALANA is holding hers so that we can see the name of the paper is 'Universe Today'. Their hair is all pulled under newsboy-style hats(brown golf caps, basically) and they're in 1900's-style clothing.] RACH: Hi, there! [sees ALANA] And... uhh... hi there. ALANA: Hi, there! You must be Rachel. I'm... uh... Len. But everyone calls me 'Tootsie'. RACH: Why would they call you something like that? ARIS: We thought he was Dustin Hoffmann. RACH: Oh, okay. Say, Len, you wanna go on a date to Tibby's? ALANA: Uhh... uhh... TEE[intervening]: He has another engagement. ALANA: Yeah. RACH: Please? [softly] I *really* think we should spend some time together. ALANA: Well... I... [suddenly] I've been lying to you all! I'm not really a guy! [rips off her hat and lets her hair fly out] I'm a girl, and my name is Alana, and I hate being called Tootsie! ARIS: You mean, you're not really Dustin Hoffman? ALANA: Yeah! RACH: Wait! Like, oh, my god, I had a sister named Alana! And she looked like you! TEE: What's this? ALANA: Wait! Is your last name Smith? RACH: Yes, it is! You're my long-lost sister! ARIS: Oh my God! *I* had twin sisters named Alana and Rachel! And they dissapeared! [gets a strange look] But that would mean... RACH: You know our secret! ALANA: We're really time-travellers from the 1990's! TEE: You guys, too? ARIS: Yeah! TEE: Wow! I loved the movie so much, I came back here to meet cute guys! [whips off her hat, too, showing off long blonde hair] ARIS: Yeah! Wow! [does same with hat] ALANA: Hey, I just thought of something. RACH: Yeah? ALANA: Where are the real Newsies? [silence] ARIS: Good question. [buzzers and warning lights go off] ALL: AAAHHH!! WE GOT SI SIGN! [general chaos] [door sequence] TEE: That's right, all the Newsies are in this scuddy fanfic. ALANA: Great. >The next day at Tibby’s, I saw the girl again. I sat with >her and began a conversation. TEE[as Tootsie]: So, you smarmy git, what were you doing messing with my man? ALANA: Isn't that the other girl's line? >“So, why’s ya heah? Ain’tcha got ta be home, bein’ a >goyl?” TEE: Being a gargoyle? ARIS: She's talking to a statue? RACH: We always knew she was a little odd. > I motioned to her boy clothes. TEE[judge style]: Motion overruled. >“No. I haven’t got any reason to. I’ve lost what matters to me the >most in the world.” ARIS: Your sanity? RACH: That matters? >“Oh yeah? ALANA[little-kid style]: Yeah! > What? Yer dog? Yer parakeet? TEE: Your armadillo? Your chihuahua? Your iguana? > Oh, an’ I never caught yer name.” ARIS[suave, british]: Bond. James Bond. >“Michelle. No, I didn’t lose a pet, I didn’t lose a thing. ALANA: But she said- RACH: Don't think, honey, it hurts less. > I lost my love. Dutchy.” ALANA: Is this the part where she takes the dagger and stabs herself? TEE: That's _Romeo and Juliet._ ALANA: Oh. I *thought* the names were better in that one. >It was obvious now she didn’t know who I was. ARIS: Blatantly obvious. TEE: It's been blatantly obvious since she *didn't* come across the table at Tootsie's throat. > So I pretended I didn’t know what she was talking about. ALANA[as Tootsie]: I just smiled vacantly and nodded. >“Really? How can ya lose somethin’ like that?” RACH[as Michelle]: I don't know. Hey, have you seen my contacts? >“Last night, at the dance. TEE[as Michelle]: Tragic tango manuver. Horrifying. > We were talking, and all of a sudden, >this absolutely gorgeous girl, who looked like you, in a way, ARIS[as Michelle]: But, of course, she didn't, well, not really, because, you see, my Shatnerizer, just happens, to be stuck, at least, I think, in the 'on' position. TEE: Ow. >but cleaner, RACH[as Prince in Cinderella]: You look familiar... under all that grime! ARIS: That's up there in the tact department with, "I don't love you either, but I could like having you around." > came up to him. He was in love with her. ARIS[as Michelle/Eponine]: o/~ He was never mine to loose... o/~ TEE: Don't insult Herbert Kretzmer. >It was so obvious. RACH[valley girl]: Like, it was sooooooo obvious. > They danced all night when some boy carried her off on >his shoulder. ALANA: He dropped her and we all laughed. TEE: You sound like me. > Then, Dutchy came over to me.” She looked like she was >ready to ALL: PAR-TAY! > cry. ALL: Oh. > If she did, I thought I’d have to leave. I can’t stand >girls crying. ALANA[as Tootsie]: It makes me puke. > I pulled out a blue bandanna, and offered it to her. In case >she DID want to cry. RACH[a la Wayne's World]: You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll hurl. >“Yeah? What happened then?” TEE[as Michelle]: Then? Well, then I went into a psychotic rage and chopped his head off! >“Oh, he had this look. Like he was, I don’t know, ALANA: Stoned. > in love. I fancied it was >me he wanted to see, but he merely sat next to me, when I asked him who she >was. ‘The girl I want to marry.’ he said.” ARIS[singing]: o/~ Today I met / the boy I'm gonna marry... o/~ > She started to sniffle. “I asked >him what he thought about me, and he said ‘You’re a great friend, Shell. RACH: Shelly the Sea Turtle? >I’ll never forget that. ALANA: I'll NEVER forget how you cheated at monopoly! > But you’ll always be a friend. Only a friend.’ I >was crushed. TEE: By a forklift. ALL: o/~ He tried to kill me with a forklift! o/~ > How can he think so little of me anymore? Doesn’t he remember >us?” She burst into tears. ARIS: She's so heartrending! >I patted her on the back and assured her I’d tell him she was here and >quickly fled. RACH: And now, let's say goodbye to the Hero's Other Girlfriend! ALL: Goodbye, Hero's Other Girlfriend! >*** > >~~MEANWHILE~~ ARIS[announcer style]: Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Pewty are about to enter an unfamilliar office. >“Where did you go last night? We couldn’t find ya nowhere!” Specs said. ALANA: He went to bay at the moon. >“I had to talk to Michelle. RACH[british]: 'Talk', he said knowingly... > You know how she can be sometimes. ARIS[as Dutchy]: Batty as a- oh, hi, Michelle! > She still thinks >we’re a couple, and I just want her to realize I don’t like her that way!!” ALANA[as Dutchy]: In fact, I don't like her at all! >Dutchy replied. “I just want to be with Toots. She’s the one for me.” RACH: o/~ You're-the-one-that-I-want! o/~ TEE: NO, Rach. Last thing we need is a Newsies/Grease crossover. John Travolta in suspenders? RACH: EEEEW. Good point. >Jack entered, holding some bread and munching an apple. “So, why didn’tcha tell >her yerself, ya bum? ALL: Because he SUCKS! ARIS: That wasn't very creative, but it felt good. > Specs ovah there had ta tell her how ya felt!” ALANA: Nauseated? TEE: No, that's how *we* feel. >“Because, I didn’t know what to say. RACH[as Dutchy]: I had lost both my book of witty commentary *and* my 101 pick-up lines! > Don’t act like you’ve never been in love, >guys! [In 2 part harmony:] ARIS&TEE: o/~ I've nev........er been in love before / now all at once it's you o/~ RACH&ALANA: o/~ Never been in love, in love before / all at once it's you o/~ ALL: o/~ It's you forever more... o/~ > You know how you feel! RACH: Did you ever get that not-so-fresh-feeling? > Besides, Michelle was watching every move I made. ARIS[as Michelle]: Did you twich that elbow? No! Don't move that finger! >If I said anything to hurt or even to cause Toots to be happy, I’d be dead! TEE: D-E-D Dead! >She’d sick her dad and his lawyers and everyone in the city on me! I couldn’t do >anything!” RACH: I was frozen! Helpless! Lost, alone... ALANA: Enough melodrama. >Suddenly, TEE: *Everything* changed. > I broke in the door, slamming it behind me. [ALL stare] ARIS: What? When did we switch out of first-person? And since when was switching into first-person in the middle of a scene okay? And- TEE: Chill, Aris. ARIS: -how do we get the third-person scene anyway? TEE: Aris! Chill! ARIS: *grumblemutterthoughtsofnucleardestructionmuttergrumblecurse* > I headed to my bunk when I >saw Jack, Specs and Dutchy talking. My attention was immediately turned to Dutchy. RACH[as Toostie]: ... and turned away just as quickly. What was I *thinking?* >The other two got the hint and went to a different part of the room. ALANA[as Jack/Specs]: *grumblemutter*bitch*mutterhack*jerk*muttergrumble* >“I’m gonna tell you something I should’ve told you last night, Chloe. I....” He >stopped as I put a finger on his lip. TEE: Then I put a knee in his groin and a fist in his eye. >“I know, Dutchy. I feel the same way.” RACH[as Tootsie]: Hungry. Let's go to Tibby's and get some burgers. > I stared into his eyes and knew we were >right for each other. ALL: *sappy lovebird sighs* > “But Michelle don’t know about me. She only knows about the >girl last night. She still thinks youse in love.” ARIS[as Dutchy]: But I am! Oh, with her... TEE: Why are you clarifying plot points? ARIS: Habit. >“I sent her a telegram. I’m sure it’ll be alright.” RACH[Dakotan]: But Buffalo Bend don't *have* a telegraph office! ALANA: Huh? ARIS: Another obscure melodrama reference. Ignore her. >I smiled. TEE: The hypnosis therapy was starting to kick in. > For the first time, I felt love. Not a brother’s love, either. Love. ARIS: Luff. RACH: Liff. ALANA: Redundancy. >He kissed me and I thought I’d been hit by lightning. TEE[as Tootsie]: After my hair stopped smoking, I realized that *Dutchy* had been hit by lighting, and I had been caught in the blast. >I realized it wasn’t so bad being ‘One of those girls’. ARIS: Cheap title insertion! RACH: It's over! Yes! ALANA: Let's get outta here! [door sequence] [Bridge of the SOL. General milling about.] ARIS: Well, we survived. I've seen worse. Where's my book? TEE: You have a one-track mind, don't you? ARIS: Yup. Book? ALANA: Coffee? RACH: Game, anyone? ARIS: GAAAH!!! [ALL stare] ARIS: I can't take it any more! That story was horrible! Awful! Cliche`d and overused plot, flat characters, horrid scene changes, useless dialoge... gaaah! I don't want to live!!! ALANA: I didn't get it. TEE: It wasn't violent enough. RACH: None of the guys were in character. 'Nuff said. ARIS: So, what do we need to do? ALL: KEEP RIFFING! ARIS: ... but I'm not reading that again. RACH: Me niether. ARIS: Okay, we're broken. What do you think, sirs? And where's my book? ALANA: Coffee! After that... [D13] AGAL: Oh, great. You survived! Happy for you. [runs a hand through her hair] Now- [There is a knocking at the door] AGAL: Hold on a sec, I need to answer that. [Answers the door. DUTCHY and TOOTSIE are standing there, holding a basket filled to the brim with furry things] TOOTSIE: Hi, there! Would you like to make a donation to the Moneyless Married Newsies fund? You get a free tribble! AGAL: Umm... the WHAT fund? [The basket quivers. The pile of furry things grows] DUTCHY: Well, you see, Spot and Song got married, and so did a lot of the other couples, including Chloe and me. So, after we did that, we ran out of money. AGAL: I don't doubt that - what, you guys make thirty cents a day? And didn't you steal that Tribble givaway thing from Heinlein? TOOTS: Exactly! And, yeah, we did. Anyway, we started this collection. Aren't the tribbles cute? AGAL: Umm... [The tribbles start overflowing the basket and creeping over the floor] AGAL: Actually, I'm not interested. TOOTS: Oh. DUTCH: Great *sigh* We'll try Deep 12 - maybe'll we'll get support there. And get rid of some of these tribbles. [More overflowage - the tribbles are covering the floor now] Can you help us pick these up? AGAL: Look. Just leave, now, and take your mobile mitosis factories with you. [The tribbles start to crawl onto the computer] My Box! Get them AWAY! TOOTS: We're trying! DUTCH: They've got me! AAGH! [Dutchy falls and gets covered by tribbles] TOOTS: Dutchy! Noo! AAGH! [falls to a similar fate] [AUTHORGAL looks fearfully up at the camera] AGAL: Oh, dear. [A tribble lands on the button] \ | / \ | / \ | / --= PWOOOSH =-- / | \ / | \ / | \ [ominious squeaking noises] Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Newsies and all related characters are (c) Disney - all rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or Disney is intended or should be inferred. >I try not to look too much like a girl when I go out, but I DON’T want to look >like a boy. It kinda makes people suspicious. I like the fact people are drawn >to my being such a ‘Cute Boy’ as they like to call me. Helps me sell more papes.