INTRO: Et and cetera goes here. The characters that I MiST with are mine, from published
and unpublished stories. My new page is at http://shadowtouched.sandwich.net/ - this is
now the only page being updated, though my Ge0$h177ies one should still be there
physically.
Wow, I'm 31337. ;)
Anyhoo, I really appreceate Debra Janette Ballard's approval of this MiSTing. I guess you
can call this my first "approved" MiSTing.I have made some minor formatting changes from
the previous story, but nothing that should really be annoying. (Mainly I've removed the
[singing] tag when I have people sing. Not a big deal.)
Oh, and if the width of the line breaks looks *horrible* on your screen, please, please,
*please* e-mail me. I have a screen resolution of 1024x768, but I know that there are
people out there still browsing with 640x480. (I should know, until recently I *was*
one.) The address is aris@sandwich.net. I also appreciate compliments and criticism.
In the not-too-distant future...
[MSIT3k theme song. If you *really* need to know the lyrics, look at the previous story.]
[Bridge of the SOL. RACHEL and ALANA are leaning on each other, staring with rapt
attention at a television monitor from which the sounds of the Babylon 5 theme song are
emenating. TANASHA wanders on from stage left]
TEE: Hey, you two. ... what the hell are you doing?
RACH[hushed tones]: We're watching Babylon 5. [she starts chanting] Marcus... Marcus...
Marcus...
TEE: I noticed. Haven't you heard the Dimension Traveler's Creed yet?
ALANA: Oh, Aris explained that all to me.
[there is a pause. RACH keeps chanting softly]
TEE: Oh, she did, did she? ARIS!!
[ARIS wanders on from stage left]
ARIS: Yeah?
[TEE mutely points at RACH and ALANA, who are sighing in unison over the credits. ARIS
stops to watch]
ARIS: Say, Into the Fire! That's one of my favorite eps! That's the one where-
RACH: Shh!
ARIS: ... Morden...
ALANA: Shh!
ARIS: ... right. Sorry.
TEE: Aris, what have you done?
ARIS[slow blink]: Whaddya mean?
TEE: I *mean*, why did you tell Alana about alternate dimension theory and let her watch
[points] *that?!*
ARIS: Oh. Don't you *realize?*
TEE: ... What are you driving at?
ARIS: AuthorGal.
[The Mads light flashes to drive home her point]
ARIS: Anyhoo, Meg Wallace is calling.
TEE: She wasn't a writer...
ALANA and RACHEL: *Shh!!*
[Deep 13. AuthorGal is also watching TV]
AG: Yeah, shush, you guys. This is the episode where Morden's head gets cut off!
[SOL. ALANA is bawling onto RACHEL's shoulder]
ALANA[sobbing]: I... never even... got to forgive him for blowing me up... *hic*
RACH: It's okay... it's okay...[under her breath] Marcus... Marcus... Marcus...
TEE: I *told* you it was a bad idea, Aris.
[D13]
AG: Yeesh. Sorry. Anyway, in the timeline of this story, he's still alive, okay?
[SOL]
ALANA[perking up a little]: Really? *sniff*
[D13]
AG: Yeah, really, but I don't think he's ever onstage...
[SOL. ALANA starts crying again. ARIS pats her on the shoulder]
ARIS: For shame! Look what you've done!
RACH[pointing at screen]: Marcus!
[D13]
AG: Well, good news for the fan over there... your story for today centers around Marcus
and Ivanova, and their relationship. Of course, it involves a bunch of cheap
dialogue and a whole lot of people acting out of character. Plus an incredibly
broad third-person ominescent viewpoint... in script form. Oh, and Marcus doesn't
die in this, unlike in the series...
[SOL. This time, it's RACH sobbing on ALANA's shoulder]
RACH[sobbing]: I... never wanted to believe the episode... it was all a bad dream...
ALANA: Sssh, it's okay, hon, it's okay...
ARIS: Have you no heart?
TEE: Shh! They're gonna blow something up in a sec!
[D13]
AG: Oh, I have a heart! This is just so fun, I can ignore it. Enjoy!
[SOL. The girls have recovered. Sirens are flashing]
ALL: WE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIGN!!
[Door sequence]
>From: evenstar@jci.net
>Subject: Heart to Heart
TEE[concerned mother]: Rachel, we should really have a heart to heart about your
television habits.
>Date: Mon, 14 Apr 1997 18:10:15 -0500
>
>Heart to Heart
>Debra Janette Ballard evenstar@jci.net
>
>
>Prologue:
ARIS: Backlog!
> What would it take for Marcus to admit his love for Ivanova?
RACH: Two Mai Tais and a good lay.
> And what would it
>take for the Russian iceberg's
ALANA: She's an iceberg?
TEE: She's lettuce?
> heart to thaw a little?
RACH: Two Mai Tais and a good lay.
> Will they wait til it's too late
>or will they have a long and happy future?
ARIS[soap opera announcer]: Will Mike and Jill find their love before Jane runs off with
Joe? Will Nancy ever step out of the closet?
TEE: Will he die, throwing his life away for some random sappy purpose to save the woman
he loves?
RACH: AAAUUUUUUUGH!! [breaks down sobbing]
>Only time and JMS will tell, but here's an alternate universe possibility. Small
>spoilers through "Into the Fire".
ARIS: Hey, Rachel? Wasn't that the ep where [yells at ALANA] *Morden got his head cut
off!?*
ALANA: AAAUUUUUUUGH!! [breaks down sobbing]
> ( ) indicates thoughts;
TEE: Oh, you mean (like this?)
ALANA[recovered]: How'd you do that?
ARIS: It's better not to ask.
> < > expressions
ARIS: Oh, like when someone's being BOLD!
RACH: Ouch.
>Standard Disclaimers
RACH[Newsie]: Dis 'ere's me claim, see?
>"Heart to Heart" c 1997 by Debra Janette Ballard {evenstar@jci.net } ALL RIGHTS
>RESERVED
ALANA: Lefts will have to find their own seating.
>Heart to Heart
ARIS: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
RACH: I used to have those Magic[tm] cards...
>
>A typical morning on Babylon 5:
TEE: Bombs going off, stuff exploding, just another busy day!
>
>Sheridan and Delenn are in the War Room,
RACH[hippie]: Make love, not war!
> going over the latest information received
>regarding Clark's activities with Lennier
ALANA: Yeah, we all know that Lennier's one of those dangerous subversives.
RACH: And Clark's personal slave.
ARIS[Tim Curry]: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
> and holding hands under the table.
>
>Franklin is Downbelow at his free clinic,
RACH: Picking up girls.
> doing what he can to help the indigent populace
>of the station.
RACH: Enh, close enough.
>
>Garibaldi and Allen are
TEE: Shooting things.
> working out in the
TEE: Firing range.
> gym while discussing
TEE[desperate]: Guns!
ARIS: I don't think it's violent yet, honey.
TEE: But... they said a typical morning!
> the merits of Bugs
>Bunny vs. Daffy Duck.
>
>Susan is in C&C, supervising docking procedures, keeping an eagle eye on the junior
>officers,
ALANA: Hawking up pellets...
RACH: Those are owls, dear.
> and generally having *fun* ruling her corner of the galaxy.
ARIS[Ivanova]: Okay, cut off Bester's head and put it there next to the roses on the
credenza.
RACH: You think she'd do that?
TEE: This *is* Susan Ivanova we're talking about.
ARIS: Actually, I've just always wanted to say 'credenza.' It's the Furniture Warrior in
me.
> She is reading a
>report on her desk,
ALANA[first-grader]: Ms. Ivanova's desk is very nice. I like it. It is shiny and
clean.
> leans down to pick something off the floor and smells...
RACH: Pizza!
> what is
>that smell?
ALANA[Corwin]: Umm, Commander? We accidentally set fire to Bester's head while nailing
it to the credenza...
RACH[Ivanova]: Oh, feed it to the Pak'ma'ra.
ARIS: Very nice. 20 points.
> She picks up the report
>and takes a deeper breath,
TEE[Ivanova]: *snork* *gasp* *choke*
ALANA[Corwin]: She's inhaled the report! Someone get the clamps!
> it smells like...
RACH: Chanel #4?
TEE: Charred flesh?
ARIS[Ivanova]: Corwin! Have you been sacrificing interns to the Elder Gods again?
> Marcus. Looking at the end of the report, she
>sees it is indeed from him but when did she start recognizing his scent?
RACH: A few days after he stopped bathing?
> She feels warm (something must be
>wrong with the environmental controls), goes down to Lt. Corwin's station.
RACH[Ivanova, slutty]: Oh, *Corrrrrwin...*
ALANA/ARIS/TEE: Rachel, NO!
>Susan: "Lt., have you been playing with the temperature controls again?"
TEE[Corwin]: Yes, ma'am! Experimenting with 'Shake-n'-Bake' setting now!
>Corwin: "No, Commander. It's been the same all morning,"
ALANA[Corwin]: Scorching flesh, just the way you like it!
ARIS: It's because she's "hot", you see...
> steps aside so she can see
>C&C's status monitor. "Maybe you should go see Dr..." and trails off as he feels the
>patented Ivanova stare upon him.
RACH: Ooh, she went to the Earthdome Patent Office and everything for that stare.
ALL: Ooh, Ahhh.
>Susan doesn't say anything, she doesn't have to, she is supreme ruler of their junior
>officer lives.
ALANA[Ivanova]: I *rule* your punk-junior-officer-white-@$$!
>She returns to her desk and adds another stare for good measure, Lt. Corwin ducks his
>head and becomes very interested in the Starfury repair reports.
ARIS[Corwin]: Okay, we need five thousand bolts, some hamdingers, and a few back-issues
of Playbeing...
TEE[Ivanova]: I heard that!
ARIS[Corwin]: Only for the articles!
>Marcus,
TEE: Is dead!
RACH: AAAUUUUUUUGH!! [breaks down sobbing]
> well Marcus
TEE: Oh, look, he's well again.
RACH: *sniff* Really?
TEE: Yep.
> is meeting with a Ranger in an unnamed and almost unfindable den of
>thieves deep in the bowels of the station we call home.
ARIS: Insert obligatory Star Wars 'scum and villany' line here.
>He is there to get a verbal report and data crystal with information on some of the
>Shadow allies' activities, but his mind is elsewhere.
ALANA: Allentown.
RACH[Julian Marsh]: What's that word you said? Allentown? I'm giving you a chance to star
in the biggest musical Broadway's seen in 20 years and you say ALLENTOWN?
ARIS[singing]: o/~ Well we're livin' here in Allentown... o/~
TEE: Let's hear it for Allentown!
>
>Marcus: "So you think that some of them might be on the N'Kilya colony?"
RACH[Ranger, enthusiastic]: Yes! And some of them are hiding in the toilet bowl!
ARIS: Where is Allentown, anyway?
RACH: PA, or Joisey?
>(I wonder if I can "accidentally" run into Susan when she goes to lunch?).
TEE: (With a chainsaw?)
ARIS: What's with the "?)."?
ALANA: HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE THAT?!
RACH: Chill, girl. I say $^%#@*?) all the time.
ARIS: One more comment like that out of you, and I get the soap!
>Ranger: "Yes, I had left a probe in that system as you asked and it recorded the images
>of ships matching the description of those that left Z'ha'dum. They arrived in the
>system 3 days ago."
RACH[Ranger]: And you won't be*lieve* what they were wearing!
>
>Marcus: "3 days ago, mmm....(I wonder where I could get a 4 poster bed?)
TEE: At SEARS!
ARIS[Tim Allen]: Urr urr urr...
> I'll meet with
>Entil-Zha and the Captain (and time it to be over around C&C's lunchtime) and inform
>them of what you have found.
RACH: Your wit?
ALANA: Your accent?
RACH: Scarecrow's brain?
> That system has nearly 2 million inhabitants, wouldn't want
>them to become something nasty's lunch, would we?"
TEE: No, but is brunch all right? Or midnight snack?
>
>Marcus finishes his meeting with Delenn and Sheridan exactly when planned and just
>happens to be in the corridor that Susan has to go down to get some lunch.
ALANA[Marcus]: Susan, hello! Wait, watch out for the tripwire!
>
>Marcus: "Ah, Susan, I was wondering if you'd like to have lunch with me?"
TEE[Susan the cannibal]: No, but I'd be glad to have you for lunch!
>
>Susan: "No."
>
>Marcus: "Supper?"
ARIS: Marcus shows his Englishness.
>
>Susan: "No."
>
>Marcus: " Breakfast, midnight snack, last meal? C'mon, you have to eat anyway,
>why not with me?"
ALANA: Marcus doesn't know when to stop, does he?
RACH: That makes him special!
TEE: Or in great need of a Boot to the Head.
>
>Susan: "No, no, no, and no, I don't, I think I'll skip lunch." She heads back to C&C.
ARIS: And Susan shows her overworking, starched-collared commanding officer-ness.
>
>Marcus looks after her with a woebegone look on his face, considering testing the
>wallpanel's resistance to his skull or practicing with his fighting pike and
>accidentally knocking himself out.
TEE&ALANA: Turn it... turn it... turn it...
ARIS: Guys, he doesn't even have a gun!
> Lennier is walking down the corridor, notices
>Marcus' disconsolate features and greets him, bowing in Minbari fashion.
RACH[Lennier]: Ohaio gozimasu, Marcus-san. Ogenke desuka?
TEE: GAAH, don't do that.
>
>Lennier: "What is wrong Marcus?"
ARIS[Marcus, maniacal]: Nothing. Everything is going exactly as planned. MWAHAHAHAAAA!
>
>Marcus: "I can't get someone to eat with me."
RACH[Lennier]: *gasp* This is a serious infraction on your clan's honor! You must wash
away the taint with your own blood by commiting Seppiku with me!
TEE: *whimper*
>
>Lennier: "I have not partaken of my midday meal yet, would you like to eat with me?"
ALL: NO!
>
>Marcus: (inner sigh) "Certainly Lennier, lead the way."
ARIS: To... HELL!
>
>As they walk toward the Zocalo in search of something to feed the inner man,
RACH: And the outer Minbari,
> Lennier and
>Marcus carry on small talk, each one lost in inner thoughts.
TEE[Evil GameMaster Voice]: You wander along the hallways of your mind, the endless
corridors all appearing exactly the same. As you cry out in fear, you barely
notice your sanity sloooooowly sliiiiiping awaaaaaaay...
RACH: You do that too well.
> They pass Garibaldi and
>Allen, who are also on their way to lunch.
ALANA[Zack]: So, anyway, yesterday at lunch I was eating with Greg and it's really
amazing he was down at that club the other day when those guys barged in and they
were wearing the most horrible green suits and they started shooting up the place
and did I tell you I think my PPG needs a new battery it's starting to fizzle
whenever I change the cartrige I think there's something wrong with the heating
vane in my starfury and I just don't know-
ARIS: Alana?
ALANA[Normal]: Yeah?
ARIS: Shut up.
>
>Lennier: "So the warrior caste is following Neroon's lead, at least for the present"
RACH[Little kid]: Mommy? Can I have a present?
> (She was holding Sheridan's hand under the table, did they think I would not notice).
TEE: No, they were hoping for an excuse to shoot you in the head.
>
>Marcus: "And Harrison Ford played the lead in Witness, yes, I see..." (How am I ever
>going to tell Susan what she means to me if I can't spend any time with her).
TEE: (Telepathically?)
RACH: No, hon, Susan's the teep.
>
>Garibaldi and Allen exchange looks.
ARIS[Garibaldi]: Here, take my look. I like yours better.
>Garibaldi: "Maybe they're playing some weird Minbari game,
RACH: And maybe they're just on acid,
> but I'm not gonna be the one
>to ask."
>
>Allen: "Good idea, Chief. Hey, speaking of leads,
ARIS: ...Which you weren't...
> did you see the cartoon where Bugs..."
>and the rest of their conversation is lost as we follow Marcus and Lennier.
>After starting in on their lunches, the conversation picks up again.
ALANA[Weatherman]: The conversation's picking up again, meeting the cold front for the
east, and hurricane-force conversation should be upon us by tomorrow, so be sure to
take proper precautions.
>
>Marcus: "So, Lennier. Heard of any life-threatening missions I can be sent off on?"
TEE[Lennier]: Yeah, there's this one over in Allentown that you can look into...
>
>Lennier: "No, but I am sure that if you wait a day or two, the Captain will think of
>something."
ARIS[Lennier]: Or we will, just to get you out of our hair.
> He says this with a sincere, deadpan expression on his face. Marcus isn't
>sure if he is kidding or not and is about to ask. "And if he doesn't think of something
>for you, he will think of some mission where he has to go off with Delenn."
>
>Marcus: "And that bothers you?"
ALANA[Lennier]: No! Not at all! Ha, ha, why would you ever think *that?*
>
>Lennier: "Sometimes, when I am being selfish. But then I remember the prophecies and
>know she will never love me and I feel better."
ARIS[Lennier]: Now, if you'll excuse me, there's an apothecary outside of town I need to
visit.
>
>Marcus: "I wish I could have your positive outlook on life, Lennier. Sometimes I think
>my love-life won't turn out that well."
>
>Lennier: "You're in love with Delenn?"
RACH[Marcus]: No, with Sheridan. I mean-
TEE: I thought you wouldn't *do* that in this story.
>
>Marcus is woolgathering, realizes what Lennier is saying: "Oh, no, not Delenn. slight grin> Though she is quite lovely herself. No, my ambitions lie elsewhere my
>friend."
ALANA: In... Allentown!
ARIS: Okay, enough with the Allentown stuff.
>
>Lennier: "The person who would not ingest food with
>you."
RACH[Lennier]: Ah, ano hito taberukotonai anata issho ni desu.
Tee[ignoring her]: Minbari can say eat perfectly well.
>
>Marcus: "Yes, she's being a little hard to get to know. Usually when we converse, we're
>in imminent danger of dying.
TEE: Ivanova from the life-threatening situation, Marcus from Ivanova.
> The non-lifethreatening situations where we could talk
>about something besides battle have been few and far between."
ARIS[Marcus]: Like, as far between my quarters and her post in C&C...
>
>Lennier: "And you would like to spend more time with her without fearing for your life."
ALANA[Lennier]: A few suggestions. Start bathing again, first off...
>
>Marcus: "Precisely, though in her present disposition towards me, I might have reason to
>fear even if there was no war going on. Ah well, maybe something will come up where
>she'll have to spend time with me. If you hear of any long-range, dangerous missions for
>two, let me know, okay?"
ARIS[Marcus]: I really, really want to make a show of dying for her-
RACH: AAAUUUUUUUGH!! [breaks down sobbing]
>
>Lennier: "Of course, but the Captain and Delenn might insist on going themselves."
TEE: Why would they want to die?
>
>Marcus: "They would be that selfish, wouldn't they."
>***********
ALANA: All right, a scene change! Time for a break!
[Door sequence]
[RACH is sitting on the counter, reading a Japanese-English dictionary and scribbling
notes on a piece of paper. TEE is leaning against the counter, an annoyed look on her
face.]
TEE: You're *sure* about this Minbari/Japanese correlation?
RACH: I'm sure! Just let me do a little more digging...
[ARIS wanders in from stage left]
ARIS: Hey, Tee, Rachel. Say, Rach, wanna grab some lunch?
RACH: I'm busy.
ARIS: You sure?
RACH: I'm sure I'm busy.
ARIS[pouting]: Fine. How about in an hour?
RACH: Buzz off.
ARIS: Fine! Tee, wanna grab some lunch?
TEE: Get it yourself, lizard.
ARIS: Come on, telepath.
TEE: No way, lizard!
ARIS: Yeesh!
[ALANA wanders in from stage right]
ALANA: Hey, guys. What's up?
ARIS: Oh, nothing. [she sighs heavily and looks distraught]
ALANA[oblivious]: Well, I was thinking of catching some lunch. Aris, wanna come?
ARIS: No, thanks.
ALANA: Come on, please?
RACH: I'll come with you, Alana.
ARIS[shocked]: But... you didn't want to eat with me?
ALANA[similarly shocked]: You'd rather eat with Rachel than with me, Aris?
TEE: Bah. She would rather eat with *me* than with *you!*
RACH: Look, we don't have to fight. We can have a picnic or something.
ARIS: But... Rachel, I wanted to eat with you!
ALANA: Aris, I'm hurt! How would you rather eat with *Tanasha* than with me?
ARIS: I... just...
RACH: Come on, Alana, let's go.
ALANA: But... I wanted to eat with Aris!
RACH: You mean you don't want to eat with me?
ALANA: No, I just-
RACH: How COULD you?
ARIS: Rachel, come on. I'll treat you to ice cream.
RACH: No, I want to know why Alana wants to eat with you!
ALANA: Actually, 'cause that's what it says in the script. No offence.
[There is a pause]
TEE: Okay, my suspension of disbelief just went straight out the window.
[Lights flash]
ARIS: And now we got fanfic sign! Yuck!
[Door sequence]
>That evening, as Susan's shift is over, Marcus is hurrying down the same corridor he had
>utilized in his earlier attempt with her. Susan is also hurrying down the selfsame
>corridor, engrossed in studying a report and not paying attention to where she is going.
ALANA[Ivanova]: Shoulda taken that left turn at Albuquerque...
>Crash!
ARIS: Onomatopoeia!
TEE: Bless you.
ARIS: No, onomatopoeia. As in alliteration, assonance, consonance, and onomatopoeia.
TEE: Bless you.
>
>Susan: "Ow! Marcus! What do you think you were doing?"
RACH[Jack Kelly]: Runnin'!
> They both bend down to pick up
>the various objects she had dropped in the collision.
ALANA[Marcus, confused]: "Playbeing?"
RACH[Ivanova]: I stole it from Corwin- I mean, there was this article...
>
>Marcus: "The Captain asked me to review the report from the S'Keyr and said that you had
>the information."
TEE[Marcus]: He then said something about shooting me because I'm not cleared for that.
Do you know what 'fnord' means?
> They both reach for a crystal at the same time and clasp hands. She
>looks up, their faces are inches apart
ARIS: And they'd forgotten their tic tacs!
ALL: AIEEEE!
> (I never realized that his eyes are the color of
>the sea near St. Petersburg).
RACH[Buttercup]: With eyes like the sea after a storm...
> She realizes that they are holding hands and jerks hers
>out of his warm grip.
TEE[Ivanova]: Sheesh, Marcus, wipe your palms off!
>
>Susan: "The report is on this crystal that I just dropped. If you haven't damaged it."
>
>Marcus takes a cursory look at it: "No, I think it is fine. Are you okay?"
ALANA[Ivanova]: Aside from being run over by a british klutz, yeah!
>
>Susan stands up, he is still at her feet although all the objects have been recovered.
>"Fine, fine. Why are you still down there?"
ARIS[Marcus]: I'm examining your toenails. You need a pedicure and a sentence check.
>
>Marcus: "Because you're standing on my cape."
RACH[Lloyd Bridges]: By this time, my lungs were aching for air!
ARIS[doubletake]: Where did you learn that riff?
RACH: At www.pinky.wtower.com/~mst3k/ - where else?
>
>Susan practically jumps back: "Sorry, Marcus. That cape kind of blends in with its
>surroundings."
TEE[Ivanova]: I mean, with all the pizza sauce and beer stains, it fades right in with
the floor of the corridor!
>
>Marcus: "That's the idea, Susan. Now, are you still not hungry or will you have supper
>with me?"
ALL: Still not hungry.
>
>Susan: "No, I've made plans already.... for the next 50 years actually."
>
>Marcus: "And after then?"
ARIS[Ivanova]: I'll be dead!
>
>Susan: "I might let you wheel me down to the Zocalo and feed me. Goodnight, Marcus."
>
>Marcus: "Goodnight, Susan." (I've got to speed up her timetable a little. Maybe wheedle
>her down to 20 years).
>**************
RACH: That's our Marcus, always optimistic!
ARIS: And that's our cue to leave again.
[door sequence]
[A large chart is on an easel behind the desk. RACH is standing next to it, clad in a
white lab coat and a pair of wireframe glasses, clutching a pointer.]
RACH: And as you can see, with all the culture references crosschecked, and multiplied
by the square root of pi omega cubed, the tangent of my hypotheses remains true.
Thank you.
[ALL applaud lightly. TEE raises her hand]
RACH: Yes, Tanasha?
TEE: Does it bother you that your so-called 'theory' is just a bunch of long words strung
together into semi-coherent sentences?
RACH: Not in the slightest. Any other questions?
ARIS: Yeah. What is the actual signifigance of your presentation, if any?
RACH: It proves that J. Michael Straczynski continues the grand tradion of basing aliens
on other human cultures, instead of coming up with a sound evolutional premise.
ALANA: But weren't you the one prancing about the station yodeling that JMS is God and
the greatest Speculative Fiction author and most creative man in history?
RACH: Yes, but... that was after I'd seen Racing Mars for the tenth time or so.
TEE: Can we all chant 'Faaaaaaaaan-giiiiiiiiiirl' at you now?
RACH: No. Any more questions?
[Silence. RACH nods.]
RACH: Thought so. Will you all bow to my technical brilliance?
ALL: No.
RACH: Aw, please?
ALL: NO!
RACH: Oh, fine! You just don't love me!
[RACH tosses her pointer in the air and storms off. ALL look at each other and shrug.]
ARIS: Maybe we should have...
TEE&ALANA: No.
ARIS: [shrugs] Okee.
[movie sign flashes]
ARIS: Aww... RACHEL! Get over it! Come on, we have movie sign!
[door sequence]
RACH: I'll have you know, I'm feeling fragile right now.
>
RACH: GAAAAAH! *faints*
ALANA: She wasn't kidding.
>The next day finds:
ARIS: 1) Morning. 2) A mugging. 3)-
TEE: We get the point, already.
> A fight in Downbelow.
ALANA: Oooh, Aris, good shot on the mugging bit.
> Marcus is using his Minbari fighting pike
>with several opponents lying unconscious at his feet.
TEE: It's a new martial art form - use your own weapon in combination with your fallen
opponents.
ARIS: WP: Random unconscious enemies?
> Someone comes at him with a knife
>and he deflects it with his pike, but the blade scratches his arm.
RACH[recovered by now]: Marcus' arm, or the arm of one of his unconscious opponents?
> Marcus finishes off his
>adversary, then his vision starts to blur.
TEE[Marcus]: Gosh darn it, fighting steamed up my contacts!
> He makes it to Medlab, using pike as support,
ARIS: His pike, or just a random one he found in the street?
>says "Stephen, I think I've been poisoned..." and collapses at Stephen's feet dropping
>knife as he faints.
ARIS: His knife, or just a-
ALANA: Enough.
> Stephen calls for help, they begin working on him.
ARIS: Marcus, or Stephen?
RACH[Random medlab staffer, gangster]: We're gonna work on you, understand? If you don't
cooperate, that poison's gonna be the least of your problems.
>
>Sheridan and Delenn come in: "What happened, Stephen?"
ALANA: Yes, both of them asked at the *same time*...
TEE[Dolly Parton]: Violet put the rat poison in the coffee *strictly* by accident...
>
>Stephen: "He was knifed in Downbelow.
RACH: That would hur- oh, they mean the Downbelow of the *station*.
[ALL look at RACH strangely]
> He managed to divert the blow, but the blade
>still broke the skin.
TEE: You know, that would still have to go through a lot of cloth...
ARIS: Oh, he's probably just wearing seersucker.
> I've analyzed the substance on the knife and it's a Centauri poison
>called v'liron.
RACH: Because, you know, hitting humans with poisons meant for other species just works
incredibly well.
ALANA: Hitting him with their food would probably work better.
> Vir tells me it causes instantaneous death to his race, but since Marcus is
>human and received a very small dose, he might pull through."
RACH: Because, you know, all poisons work on all races almost as well, regardless of
chemical makeup.
ARIS: Okay, Rach.
>
>Sheridan: "Might?"
TEE[Stephen as McCoy]: Dammit, John, I'm a doctor, not a statistician!
>
>Stephen: "If his fever breaks, I think he'll make it. There is no known cure, so I'm
>pumping him full of antibiotics and running tests."
RACH: Stephen is a 20th century doctor?
ALANA: Huh?
RACH: You know, the 'Antibiotics cure everything' phase.
>
>Delenn: "I will stay with him."
ALL: o/~ I will never leave / I will be with you as long as you say / Stay! o/~
>
>Stephen: "Thank you Delenn, some of what he's saying is in Minbari."
>
>Delenn: "Saying?"
ARIS[Stephen]: "Say (sa) vt. said, saying; 1. To utter, speak 2. to express in-
TEE: Aris, shut up.
>
>Stephen: "He's delirious, won't stop talking. That would be normal, but here, listen for
>yourself." They go into Marcus' room.
RACH[Stephen]: Um, nevermind... Marcus! Stop that!
ALL: Eeeeeeeeeew!
ARIS: Rach, you're headed for the airlock!
>
>Marcus is lying there, his eyes open but unseeing, tossing and turning.
>"Susan, Susan where are you?"
TEE: 'Allo, Sigfried!
ARIS: 'Allo, Roy!
TEE: 'Allo, Sigfried!
ARIS: 'Allo, Roy!
>
>Delenn touches his arm: "Marcus."
>
>He doesn't recognize her. "Susan, where's Susan?"
TEE: Dead! Now you'll have to give up your precious life force to save her...
RACH[starts to break down, then pauses]: You know... I don't mind so much now.
TEE[shocked]: What?
RACH: I mean, if Marcus is acting like *this*...
TEE: Point.
>
>Sheridan: "Do you think he's talking about Ivanova?"
ARIS: No, he's talking about Suzanne Sommers. What do you think?
>
>Delenn: "Who else?"
>
>Sheridan: "I'll go up to C&C and relieve her, have her come right down."
>
> In C&C, Sheridan calls Susan into his office.
>
>Susan: "What's up?"
RACH[Sheridan]: The sky?
ALANA[Susan]: Wrong! Actually, since we're on a space station and rotating constantly
for gravity, 'up' is actually the center of the station! Fooled you, sir!
[ALL edge away from Alana nervously]
>
>Sheridan: "Marcus has been poisoned."
TEE[Sheridan]: So, nice weather we're having, huh? I'll just let you get back to watching
the ships fly in...
>
>Susan sits down: "What!"
>
>Sheridan: "He's alive, but Franklin doesn't know if he's going to make it. Susan, he
>keeps calling your name."
ARIS: o/~ I call your name / But you're not there... o/~
>
>Susan: "Why?"
>
>Sheridan: "That's something you'll have to ask him ... if he makes it. Now go on down
>there, that's an order."
TEE[Sheridan]: And take that chainsaw, will you? I'm not sure he's dead yet.
>
>Susan: "Yessir."
>
>Susan comes into Medlab. Marcus is the same as before, seems to focus on her, though.
>"Nuzen felanni, en eles madron." Delenn tries to hide a smile.
ARIS[Delenn]: I-I wasn't smiling! You didn't see that!
RACH[Susan]: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!
>
>Susan: "What does that mean?"
TEE[Delenn]: Roughly, well, "Ouch."
>
>Delenn: "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever met."
RACH[Susan]: Why thanks, Delenn. You doing anything tonight?
>
>Susan "He said that before to me, on the Whitestar and told me that it meant 'My
>words are inadequate to the burden of my heart.' I'm gonna kill him if he gets over
>this."
ALANA[Susan]: If he's not dead, he's dead!
>
>Delenn: "Has he never spoken to you of his feelings?"
TEE[Susan]: Of course not! I'd kill him if he did!
>
>Susan: "Of course not!
ARIS[shocked]: Um...
TEE: I didn't do it!
> When we were out searching for First Ones, he said that he was
>waiting...um, in love with someone special and he hadn't told her yet. I never
>guessed...."
>
>Delenn: "It is good to see that his heart is not as dead as he thought. What do you feel
>for him?"
RACH[Susan]: Hungry, mostly. Or is that 'cause I haven't eaten since breakfast... 'scuse
me.
>
>Susan: "I don't know, until today I thought he was in love with someone else, why didn't
>he say something?"
ARIS: Because he wanted to give you some correct punctuation first?
>
>Marcus begins to speak again, a mixture of Minbari/English. Delenn translates for Susan
>as needed: "the most beautiful, the most maddening woman in the universe and I have to
>love her... how can I tell her that she is my beloved..."
TEE: (Like this?)
ALANA: I think what he's doing now works pretty well.
>
>Delenn: "It seems he is trying to make up for lost time."
>
>Susan: "But he has to wait til he isn't in his right mind, might die" .
>Delenn puts her hand on Susan's shoulder.
TEE: Wait, lemme see if I can parse this. Susan breaks off Delenn's hand and puts it on
her shoulder?
ARIS: No, I think *Delenn* breaks off her hand and puts it on Susan's shoulder.
ALANA: Maybe Susan breaks off her shoulder and Delenn puts her hand on it?
>
>Delenn: "He will recover Susan, he must."
>
>Susan nods, pulls a chair up beside Marcus' bed and brushes a lock of hair out of his
>eyes, then takes his hand.
ARIS: o/~ Hooooold myyyyy haaaaand / Want you to hold my ha-and... o/~
TEE: I'm taking that CD away from you.
>
>Hours pass and visitors come and go: Lennier, G'Kar, various Rangers, Sheridan, and
>Garibaldi.
RACH[Lennier]: Marcus-san, did you attempt to eat with this human again?
ALANA[G'Kar]: He owed me five credits. Can I go through his pockets for loose change?
TEE[Ranger]: We're here for the wake. Where's the whiskey?
ARIS[Sheridan]: So, Stephen, when do you think we can toast him? Oh, he's not dead yet...
RACH[Garibaldi]: Susan, you seen G'Kar anywhere? I need to return a book to him.
> Delenn stays there for hours, then goes to her quarters to get some sleep,
>but Susan remains.
ALL: o/~ I am leaving, I am leaving / But the fighter still remains! o/~
ARIS: Lie-li-lie!
TEE: [thudding sound]
ARIS: Lie-li-li-li-li-li-lie, lie-li-lie!
TEE: [thudding sound]
RACH[Stephen]: Susan, *what* are you doing to the resperating machine?
>
>Later...
>
>Marcus: "Cold, so cold".... Susan looks around and doesn't see any extra blankets or
>Medlab personnel.
>
>Susan: "Guess I'll have to do this the old fashioned way,"
TEE[Susan]: Anyone know where the blowtorch is?
> gently gets into bed with
>him,
ALL: EEEEEEEWWWW!
RACH: Okay, I revoke my vow of Eternal Susan/Marcus Appreciation!
ARIS: You *took* a vow like that?
>hugs him and rocks back and forth. He is soothed, begins proclaiming her virtues and
>vices again, along with his love for her.
>
>Later on he wakes from fever and finds her asleep in his arms. Marcus smiles and wakes
>her "Did I miss something?"
RACH[Susan]: Yeah, I had to fake it. Where'd you learn to-
ARIS: Stop. Right. There.
>
>Susan tells him about the poisoned knife and the resulting fever.
>
>Marcus: "Did I say anything?"
TEE[pause]: You know, if I'd just been told I got stabbed, had a bad fever, and was
currently holding the member of the opposite sex of my dreams in my arms, my first
question would *not* be "did I say anything."
ARIS: We know.
>
>Susan: "Oh, boy, did you say something: "Nuzen felanni, en eles madron" and lots of
>other things in Minbari.
RACH[Susan]: At one point you were trying to order a pizza, a leather whip, and some
handcuffs. Anything you want to tell me?
ALANA[Marcus]: Um, well, I read this article in "Playbeing", you see...
>
>Marcus: "Did you understand anything that I said?"
RACH[Susan]: Everything but the "Susan wa ishi-denn o kite kudasai" bit...
>
>Susan: "Not til Delenn translated for me." He falls back,
TEE: A knife buried to the hilt in his chest!
ARIS[checks watch]: You lasted this long, Tee. I'm impressed.
> embarrassed, blushing.
>"When were you going to get around to telling me?"
ALANA[Marcus]: When the Cubs win?
>
>Marcus: "I was afraid"
>
>Susan: "Afraid? Afraid of what?"
ARIS[Marcus]: Of the frumious bandersnatch!
TEE: Okay, I'm also taking away your Lewis Carrol collection.
ARIS: Awwww!
>
>Marcus: "Of what you might say and what you might not say, of a hundred different
>things. Mainly I was afraid to open my heart again to someone."
>
>Susan: "I thought...."
ALANA[Susan]: ... that *I* was the cold bitch around here!
>
> Marcus: "I cared very much for a woman at my colony, we were planning to be married
>and she died because I didn't listen to my brother."
>
>Susan: "She died during the Shadow attack?"
RACH: o/~ Shadows on the wall / I can see them fall... o/~
ALANA: That was random.
>
>Marcus: "Shortly afterwards, in my arms."
RACH: o/~ I'll sleep in your embrace at last! o/~
TEE: Rachel, what did I say about insulting Herbert Kretzmer?
RACH: Yes'm.
>
>Susan: "Marcus, you didn't kill her, the Shadows did."
>
>Marcus: "But I should have believed my brother, should have been able to do
>something..."
TEE[Marcus]: But I want to wallow in blame!
>
>Susan: "If you keep living in the past, this relationship is going to be even harder
>than I thought."
ARIS[Susan]: You can't handle the truth!
>
>Marcus: "Relationship?" he asked, a wistful note in his voice.
>
>Susan: "I don't know what else to call it right now. Before Lorien and the First Ones
>left, we had several conversations -- he talked almost as much as you do. He told me
>that I needed to start talking to my heart again."
ARIS[Marcus]: He suggested you talk to your circulatory system?
RACH: It's Lennier that's oblivious.
ARIS: At least in this story.
>
>Marcus: "What else?"
>
>Susan: "That love is the only thing that makes us feel like we can live forever. Well,
>in the endless hours that you've been lying here proclaiming your heart's desires to
>anyone that cared to listen, I've been talking to my heart."
ALANA[Susan]: So far it's said, "beat, beat, beat."
>
>Marcus: "What does it say?"
>
>Susan: "That you're unlike anyone I've ever known. you drive me crazy, yet..."
TEE[Susan]: You exhude the calming scent of pine.
>
>Marcus: "Well, if it's any comfort, you drive me crazy, too."
ALL: o/~ Bah-boom-ba-doom! o/~
RACH: o/~ You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain! o/~
ALL: o/~ Bah-boom-ba-doom! o/~
RACH: o/~ Your type of love can drive a man insane! o/~
ALL: o/~ Bah-boom-ba-doom! o/~
RACH: o/~ You broke my will! o/~
ALL: o/~ Bah-boom-ba-doom! o/~
RACH: o/~ Oh, what a thrill! o/~
ALL: o/~ Bah-boom-ba- Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire! o/~
ALANA[Susan]: Boom *tomorrow.*
>
>Susan: "Thanks a lot."
>
>Marcus: "But when I thought about why you were driving me crazy, that's when I realized
>that maybe that part of my heart wasn't as dead as I thought.
TEE: It was only *mostly* dead.
ARIS[Mandy Patinkin]: What's the difference?
TEE[Billy Crystal]: Well, with mostly dead, he's still a little bit alive...
> Maybe I should have
>gotten poisoned a long time ago, it gave us the opportunity to ..."
RACH: Cuddle?
ARIS: That was good of you.
RACH: I'm learning.
>
>Susan:"Sleep together?"
ALL: ...
ARIS: Rachel, you get a free gutterminded joke.
RACH: YES!
>
>Marcus blushes again. "Actually, I was going to say open up to each other
TEE[Marcus]: With chainsaws.
ALANA: That's open up *to* each other, not open up each other.
TEE: You can open up to someone with a chainsaw.
> and admit our
>feelings."
>
>Susan: "Whoa... let's not go too fast here. I'm not sure of what exactly my feelings
>are,
ARIS: except for mild disgust and nausea.
RACH: Those are *our* feelings, remember?
ARIS: Oh, yeah...
> it's been awhile since I've had any. While you're lying here recuperating (she gets
>up, he is reluctant to let her go, keeps hold of her hand)
RACH: Her hand, or her [suddenly british] Naughty Bits?
ARIS: That's it, Rach.
RACH: Awwww!
> we can both be thinking about
>what's been said."
TEE[Billy Crystal]: So, I'll think about it, and you'll think about it, and I'll see you
next week when I get back from my vacation!
>
>Marcus "You do realize that I'm a very quick healer?"
ARIS: I thought your name was Marcus Cole, not Corwin!
RACH: David Corwin?
ARIS: ... not really.
>
>Susan: "That's what I'm afraid of."
>
>Stephen comes in: "How's my favorite bed partners doing?"
ALANA[Susan, snapped]: Now listen here, I've put up with your innuendo from day one, and
I've been forgiving and forgetting because of the way I was brought up, but I have
a gun out there in my desk, and if you make one more comment or make another
indecent proposal I'm gonna get that gun, and I'm gonna change you from a rooster
to a hen with one shot! And don't think I can't do it!
ARIS: That... is rather obscure.
ALANA: Thanks.
> This time Susan blushes and
>leaves. "Marcus, I do believe there's hope for the two of you yet."
>
>Marcus: "It was just a matter of time before she fell victim to my natural charms."
ARIS[Marcus]: I have healthy gums!
ALANA: That beats me for obscurity.
>
>Stephen: "And heard you screaming 'I love you Susan' for hours."
RACH[Susan]: You're *still* not getting my Bud Lite.
>
>Marcus: "Did I scream that?"
TEE[Stephen]: More like bellowed, but...
>
>Stephen: "Among other things."
>
>Marcus: "Stephen, we need to have a talk. What exactly did I say?"
RACH[Stephen]: Something about two goats, Zooty's machine and three tons of whipped
cream. But then, I wasn't paying much attention...
>
>Stephen: "Well, some of it was in Minbari, so you'll have to ask Delenn, she was here
>almost as much as Susan."
>
>Marcus: "Does anyone not know what I said while I was out of my mind?"
TEE[Stephen]: Well, they tried to translate it into Hungarian, but with... bad results.
ARIS[Hungarian person]: My hovercraft is full of eels!
>
>Stephen: "It may not have reached the outer rim yet..."
RACH: Hey, Alana, what do you call a drum fired from a cannon to the outer planets?
ALANA: What?
RACH: A rim shot.
TEE: [rimshot]
>
>Marcus: "Please continue, I suppose I'd better hear all the bad news at once.
>It's a wonder Susan didn't kill me where I lay."
TEE[Stephen]: She did. This is hell.
ARIS[Marcus]: Why, this *is* hell, nor am I out of it.
ALANA: Nor are we, yet...
>
>Stephen: "I think she thought about it, but there were too many witnesses groan> 'Now where shall I begin?'"
RACH[Mollari]: I was there, at the dawn of the third age of Mankind...
> Fade out to his talking, Marcus' reactions "I said what!
ARIS[Sally]: I never said that!
TEE[Harry]: Fine, have it your way.
>
>FINIS
>Comments and virtual roses always welcome! evenstar@jci.net
ALL: Wohoo! We survived! Party!(etc)
[door sequence]
[SOL. General milling about]
RACH: So, how did everyone like the story?
ALL["ok" hand sign]: It stinks!
RACH: So, if that's the general consensus... BREAK!
[ALL take up a formation behind the counter as the intro to "Baby One More Time" starts
playing]
RACH: Oh, baby, baby
How were we supposed to know
This fanfic really bi-iites
ALANA: Oh, baby, baby,
Have you even seen the show?
This isn't close to ri-iight
TEE: Show me
Descriptions, don't just
Tell me
Show us action
'Cause we need to know what's going on!
ARIS: This di-a-logue
Is killing me!
On this one thing,
We all agree
ALL: All agree!
We need some hope or we'll lose our minds
Give us a siiii-iiiign
Stop this fanfic one last time!
[Music break. ARIS is air guitaring in the background, TEE is headbanging arrhythmicly,
and RACH and ALANA seem to be really getting into it]
RACH: Oh, baby, baby,
Our characters lost their spine
What did you do to Marcus?
ALANA: Oh, baby, baby,
You've fed us a nasty line
And this thing nearly choked us!
TEE: Fake fights
Will not save the
Love scenes
And what's uh-up
With this multi-species poison stuff?
ARIS: The grammar's weak
And it hurts to read
On this one one thing,
We all agree
ALL: All agree!
We need some hope or we'll lose our minds
Give us a siiii-iiiign
Stop this fanfic one last time!
RACH: What do you think, sir?
[D13. AGAL is banging her head on the table]
AGAL: Not... Britney... Spears...
[One of her headbangs hits The Button]
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
--= PWOOOSH =--
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \
AGAL: Hey, it's Marcus!
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Babylon 5 and all related characters are (c) Warner Brothers - all rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. or Warner Brothers is intended or should be inferred.
>Marcus: "But when I thought about why you were driving me crazy, that's when I realized
>that maybe that part of my heart wasn't as dead as I thought. Maybe I should have
>gotten poisoned a long time ago, it gave us the opportunity to ..."
>
>Susan:"Sleep together?"
Reference Count(Riffs and near-direct B5 quotes only):
9 to 5: 2
Allentown(total): 4
Analyze This: 1
A Wrinkle In Time: 1
Babylon 5: 7
Billy Joel songs: 1
Bud Lite commercials: 1
Bugs Bunny cartoons: 1
Britney Spears: 1
Clue: 1
Faust: 1
Forty-Second Street: 2
Furniture Warriors: 1
Garfield(the comic strip): 1
Home Improvement: 1
Hootie and the Blowfish songs: 1
Illuminatus Trilogy: 1
Jerry Lee Lewis songs: 1
Les Miserables: 1
Lewis Carrol: 1
Mamas and the Papas songs: 1
Melissa Etheridge songs: 1
Minbari-as-Japanese: 5
Monty Python: 1
M:TG: 1
Newsies: 2
Nine Princes of Amber: 1
pinky.wtower.com/~mst3k/: 1
"Playbeing": 3
The Princess Bride: 2
Random riffs from watching MST3k: 4
Role-Playing Games: 2
Romeo and Juliet: 1
Simon and Garfunkel songs: 1
Spaceballs: 1
Star Trek: 1
Star Wars: 1
Tae Kwon Leep: 1
When Harry Met Sally...: 1
Wizard of Oz: 1