Hidden A MiSTing by Aris Merquoni and White Star 2 Original fanfiction by E.K. Based on characters by Paramount, with occasional references to everyone else. [Themesong. Tunnel of doors. SOL. TANASHA is sitting behind the desk, holding a pictureframe in her hands and musing. RACHEL walks on from stage right] RACH: Hey, Tanasha. What's that? TEE: Family portrait. RACH: Wow, really? I didn't know you had a family. TEE: Yeah, this was when--what? RACH: Hmm? TEE: What do you mean, you 'didn't know' I had a family? What am I, some sort of killing machine with blonde hair? RACH: Well, yeah, I'd kinda assumed. TEE: I'm an elf, goddamn it. Pointy ears, magic, elf. I grew up in an elf household with an elf mother and an elf father and a half-elf brother and-- RACH: Half-elf? How did that work out? TEE: ... Don't you know anything about me? RACH: No, not really. [ARIS walks on from stage left. She's munching on some beef jerky] TEE: Aris! You know my backstory, right? ARIS: Actually, no. You never really talked when we were part of... uh... that group, you know, with the Th-varians. TEE: ... Dammit, I even know your backstory. Hell, I know Rachel's. Even the bit about Mary Sueing through all the amazingly clear-skinned newspaper boys. RACH: That's me! TEE: And I know Alana's, how she got into an ill-fated relationship with that Morden guy and got blown up. [ALANA comes on from the right] ALANA: What's this about angst-boom-angst? TEE: But nobody knows my backstory? What the hell? ARIS: I dunno, Tee, you've just always been sorta standoffish about your past. I always assumed you were grown in a cloning vat and were hanging out with us after taking revenge on your evil creators. TEE: ... but... ALANA: Is that it? I figured you were an orphan left on the streets of Chicago who earned an embittered lifestyle and major skills after growing up mean. TEE: ELF! ELF ELF ELF! Lookit the ears! RACH: Magic accident, then. God knows those happen all the time. ARIS: Face it, Tee, it's not like you really do anything except blow stuff up. [The mads light starts flashing. TEE's face is turning red] RACH: Here, lemme get that. [D13. AuthorGal is leaning back in her chair, smirking] AG: Well, my pretties. Ready to cry? I've got a hot slice of Star Trek: Voyager for you, and it just spells HURTING. [SOL] ARIS: You've been taking dialogue coaching from Dr. Forrester. [D13] AG: Well, yes, can you tell? [SOL] TEE: Hey, AuthorGal, why don't I have more firmly established backstory like the other three? [D13] AG: Well, I never felt it was really necessary. You're kind of a Deus ex Machina anyway, so I suppose we can just call it spontaneous generation of violent Mary Sue. How's that sound to you? [SOL. It is suddenly very quiet. TEE is staring at the camera, eyes wide, shaking slightly] ARIS: I don't think it's okay with-- TEE: FEEL MY WRATH PUNY MORTAL! [D13. The sink behind AuthorGal starts shooting water out of the faucet] AG: ... a plumbing disaster? That's it? I was kinda expecting a fireball or something. [SOL] TEE: I'm in Low Earth Orbit. I ever come within a mile of you and your brain will leak out through your sinuses. [ALL pull back] [D13] AG: ... Okay, great. Look, I'm going to send you the story and get this under control. We'll deal with the existential crisis later. [SOL. Flashing lights, buzzers, fun.] ALL: WE'VE GOT STAR TREK SIGN! [Door sequence] ARIS: This is not going to be good. RACH: Yeah... did she say 'Voyager?' >Star Trek Voyager ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHH!! RACH: So she did. I thought I was mistaken. ARIS: I'd hoped you were. TEE: *grumblemutterbackstorymuttergrumble* > (P/T)- Hidden ALANA: Found you! Tag, you're it! > >Summary: >After B'Elanna breaks up with Tom, he is sent into an emotional depression. ALANA: Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy blows up girl. Angst. >Rated PG- 13 ARIS[self-righteous CAPAlert spokesman]: However, as you can CLEARLY see from my observations, the quality of programming is just as vulgar as R films of just forty years ago! (Please consider contributing a small amount of money to continue recieving thoughtful, objective reviews such as this one.) TEE: Don't do that again, or I might have to kill you in self defense. > >Disclaimer: >Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount. The story and the characters in it >belong to me. RACH: Tom's angst is its own gestalt entity that roams about at random, causing pain and destruction wherever it goes. > >Dedicated to Isabelle S, guess why pal... RACH: I'm not gonna dignify this with a riff. ALANA: I'm dissapointed in you. ARIS: I'm not. > >Archiving: TEE: Store next to 'Ark of the Covenant' under 'Hopefully Lost Forever'. >Please don't archive without my permission. Linking however is okay, if you >tell me where it goes, first. ARIS: So, like, is this illegal? [ALL look carefully at the screen] ALL: Naaaaaaah. > >***** >Conny Donovan headed down the corridor quickly. ARIS: "Hurry," said Tom swiftly. > She had just finished her >shift in stellar cartography where she usually worked, TEE: And her shift in the fusion coils where she unusually worked, > and was looking >forward to some relaxation. As she passed Tom Paris' quarters, RACH: She knew where she'd get it. > she heard >the noise of objects being thrown across the room. ALANA[Tom]: So, is this where we throw heavy objects at each other? [ALL turn and stare at Alana] ALANA: What? What?! > >At first she believed Paris and Torres had one of their usual arguments, ARIS: But then, this might be one of their *unusual* arguments instead. RACH[Tom]: No, *you* wear the diving suit this time! ALANA: I don't even want to think about what that means. >but as the noise did not subside, but grew louder, she decided to do >something. TEE: Conny Donovan, Action Woman. ARIS: More like Conny Donovan, Exposition Woman. > She also remembered that Tom had broken up with B'Elanna the >week before, maybe she was now in need of revenge. ARIS: Wait. Who's in need of revenge here, B'Elanna or Conny? RACH: Both? ALANA: Don't give me images I didn't need. > >Conny didn't want to call security yet, since she thought it was a little >premature. TEE: Like security'd be good for anything, anyway. RACH: Except getting in on the action. > So she opened the door manually, using an old trick her uncle >had shown her once. ALANA: The second trick he'd shown her had landed him fifteen years without bail. > She was surprised to see that B'Elanna was not present, >but that it was only Tom, who was raging around. ARIS: He'd just been forced to watch Revenge of the Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls. RACH: He'd be raging around in anger after that? ARIS: She never said anger, did she? > >She saw the pure anger in his eyes, ARIS: Oh, I guess she did. > the tears streaming down his face TEE: Mingling with the blood streaming from his forehead as he convulsed and fell to the COLD HARD UNFORGIVING- ALANA: ENOUGH, Tee! > as he >threw yet another vase across the room. RACH: He keeps flowers in his room? ARIS: Tom's the sensitive type. RACH: Oh, so "my name is tom paris / and i am a wussy boy"? ARIS: Basically, yeah. But Tom doesn't have the e. e. cummings thing going. > >He then noticed her staring at him with disbelieve. ARIS: How can you stare at someone with a verb? TEE: I glare at you with rage! ARIS: Verbs that are adjectives don't count. RACH: I glare at you with RUN! ARIS: Neither do DOS commands. > He didn't say a word, TEE: He'd lost the power of speech when one of those vase fragments nailed him in the throat. ALANA: Oh, ick. >as he was now staring too. ALANA[Tom]: You blinked! RACH[Conny]: No, you blinked! ARIS[Large Man in a Diaper]: "Hi. I'm a large man in a diaper." [ALL stare at ARIS for a change] ARIS: What? TEE: Aris, you are never going to That Place again. No matter how hot the music guys are. > He looked like he wanted to say something, but >didn't. TEE: Like I said, it's hard to talk around a shard of 12th Century Ming Vase. > >Conny was caught off guard as he suddenly sank to his knees and started >sobbing uncontrollably. RACH: She hadn't even kicked him in the groin yet! > Not sure what to do, she sat down next to him and >made caressing motions on his back, trying to soothe him. RACH: Or to- ALL: Shut up. > >"Why dammit, I don't understand", he murmured over and over again. ARIS[Conny]: Well, 'dammit' is generally a good all-purpose swear word when you don't want to offend too many people. You can even use it in PG-13 fanfics like this one. RACH[as that CAPAlert person]: But damning someone is the Lord's privledge! This is an OFFENSE TO GOD! TEE: I'm *warning* you two. > >"Don't understand what, Tom ?" she asked, wanting to help. ALANA: As opposed to kicking him a few more times before leaving? > >"Why did she leave me, only to jump in bed with Joseph Lasalle? I want to >know why!" ALL: Because YOU SUCK, Tom! RACH: Also, I heard Lasalle has a really big- ARIS: RACHEL! RACH: - 20th Century movie collection. What, Aris? ARIS: ... never mind. > >B'Elanna terminated the relationship, not Tom. ALL: Aaaaaaaaaaaaand? ALANA: I have a feeling this has some relevance, but I'm not sure why. TEE: We can only hope she terminates Tom too, and quickly. > >She could hardly believe it knowing that B'Elanna had been extremely >miserable these last few days since the breakup. RACH: She just crushed his spirit. ... Yeah, you're right, I would expect her to be feeling more perky. > >"I don't know... But I thought you were the one who broke up with her, not >the other way around. ARIS: What, you thought she'd *ignore* what trash this guy is? > I mean , the whole ship has given you the cold >shoulder over this, even Harry. ALANA: Why? I mean, Tom's an insensitive egomaniacal jerk, and B'Elanna's a coldhearted antagonistic bitch. They *deserve* the consequences of being with each other. ARIS: More like, "Why would anyone care?" > Why haven't you defended yourself?" she >asked wondering what the answer might be. TEE[Tom]: Because I've been nursing my shame to build up a psycopathic rage that I might kill her. RACH: It hasn't worked. > >"I- I love B'Elanna so much. ALL: No, you don't. > If she wanted the break- TEE[Tom]: -ing of my neck, spine, and spirit- > up, then I had to >accept that. ARIS: And live in shame forever? ALANA: Tom's the sensitive type. ARIS: Rather suddenly, too. > I couldn't force her. I just couldn't," he explained, still >crying. RACH[Tom]: She was still a virgin, and- ARIS: Now, I *know* that's dirty. RACH[Tom]: I couldn't make her deathmach me in Quake before she'd gotten fragged at least once. ARIS: I *am* going to hurt you, Rachel. > >"Dammit, I knew she would leave me someday. RACH: o/~ She was never mine to keep... o/~ ARIS: Herbert Kretzmer is GOD, Rachel. Cut it out. > I'm just not good enough, TEE[Tom]: I'm semi-good. I'm quasi-good. The diet coke of good. One calorie, not good enough. > not >good enough for anyone. I guess she found someone more worthy now." RACH&ALANA[Wayne and Garth]: We're not worthy! We're not worthy! ARIS: Well, I think we'll get one out of three... RACH: The laughing? ARIS: The hurling. > His >voice sounded monotonous. TEE[Tom]: o/~ Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssyyyyyyyyyyyy, Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy... o/~ ALANA: No HAL refs, please. > >"How do you know she betrayed you. ARIS[Tom]: How do I know that's a question. > That doesn't sound like B'Elanna." RACH[Conny]: You, maybe. B'Elanna? No way. > >"I heard them. After I finished my shift this morning I went to my quarters >and as I passed by Lasalle’s quarters, I heard them. ALANA[Tom]: They were playing patty-cake! ARIS[Head of Studio]: You're not the first guy whose wife played patty-cake on him... > It was B'Elanna and >him having sex." he said disgustedly. RACH: Watch Tom feel like we all do right now. > >"But they must have known you had just finished your shift, they wouldn't >have done it. You must be mistaken." She tried to defend B'Elanna. TEE: She failed miserably. > >"I know what I heard... RACH[Rhonda]: Nicole is having an affair with Chook. Muriel caught them f- ARIS: Keep it clean, Rach. > Maybe she wanted me to hear it. Who knows..." He >threw his arms in the air with exasperation. TEE: Conny caught them in disgust and threw them back at him. > >"Tom, I know B'Elanna, she would never hurt you like that." ALANA: Yeah. She'd hurt him with actual violence and pain and stuff. RACH: No, that's what Klingons do when they *love* each other. > >"Maybe, but I don't know what to believe anymore. I need to be alone...". ARIS[Greta Garbo]: I want to be alone. > >Without another, word she excited his quarters and pondered what she had >just heard. TEE[Conny]: Wow, I think he's getting a throat infection. > >***** > >After a long sleepless night Tom Paris entered his bathroom. RACH[Tom]: Yep, it's still here. > It was his day >off, so he didn't need to hurry. ARIS: But we need to worry. > >He stared at his reflection in the mirror. ALANA[Tom]: When did I grow another head? > His eyes were puffy and red from >crying. His face was ashen looking. TEE: He really needed to get that shard in his throat looked at. > It was only after a few minutes, that >he knew that something had changed. ARIS: Yeah, his eyes were puffy and red and his face was ashen looking. He needed to spend a few minutes staring at his love-goddess physique to tell him *that*? RACH: ... love-goddess physique? ARIS: For all we know... > The pain over the breakup was gone as >was his ever present feeling of unworthiness. TEE: So he got hit on the head, too? RACH: While he was staring at his "love-goddess" physique? ARIS: Okay, okay, guys. Let it go already. > >An unexpected change. ALANA: o/~ Like an unexpected song... o/~ ARIS: ALW's pretty darned holy, too- ALANA: All RIGHT! > >Examining himself further, RACH[Tom]: Hey! My- ARIS: Just... RACH[Tom]: -elbows bend backwards and my knees bend forwards! [Normal] Aris, I think you're just paranoid. ARIS: Maybe. > he noticed that he didn't feel much of anything. TEE: That full-body paralysis kicking in again... >That he didn’t feel anything at all. Nothing good or bad. ALANA: Oh, like a late-night television stupor. > >He didn't know if it was good or bad, ALANA: Oh, like a late-night television stupor. TEE: ... Never mind. > but he kind of liked the quietness. RACH: It kind of reminded him of late at night, after... ARIS: ... RACH: ... yes? ARIS: Go on. RACH: Late at night, after getting screwed by Chakotay until- ARIS: RAY-CHEL! RACH: You *said* go on... > >It just didn't feel like himself. Then maybe I'm someone else now, he >thought. RACH: o/~ Jean Valjean is nothing now! / Another story must begin! o/ ARIS: I kill you. Twice. > >He liked the idea. TEE[Tom]: Gee! Now I can go on a massive killing spree and blame it on my old personality! > >***** >Ensign Lasalle entered his quarters later that day, Crewmen Rollins and >Bristow in his wake. ALANA: They got swept off their waterskiis by Lasalle's massive undertow. RACH: That, or they drunk themselves into a stupor mourning his death. > >"What do you think, did it work?" ALANA[Lasalle]: Something work on this ship? Are you kidding me? > Ensign Bristow asked the other two >eagerly. ARIS: Well, at least he didn't ask them *too* eagerly... TEE: You're just making up grammar mistakes now, aren't you. > >"We don't know yet. But I bet it did." Lasalle commented. RACH: Yeah, but he forgot to insert the double-slash before the comment, so his compiler choked. > >"Yes, I think you have full range with B'Elanna now, Freddie. ALANA[Rollins]: I know you were having problems with some frequencies yesterday, but 109 FM should be clear today! > I doubt Tom >will try to get her back after our little surprise," Rollins said. ARIS: What'd they do, TP his cabin? TEE: No, Tom trashed it for them, remember? > >"I'm glad we found out it was B'Elanna who broke up, not Tom. We killed two >birds with one stone. We could make Tom miserable and you can have B'Elanna >all to yourself." ALANA: Oh, so we're living in a chick flick, now. > >***** >B'Elanna Torres sat across from Harry Kim at the table. RACH: Playing- ARIS: Rach. RACH: - go fish. You *know* I'm going to get you. ARIS: *grumble* > She was glad no one >had asked her about her breakup with Tom. TEE: She'd have had to kill them. > That nobody had demanded to know >why. ALANA: Well, I'm demanding. B'Elanna! Why are you in this lousy fanfic? I demand an answer! ARIS: And clean your room before you go snapping anyone else's mind, young woman! RACH: Shh! Expository core dump coming up! > >She knew it had been her own insecurities that were cause for the break- TEE: -down of the entire ship. If she'd had just known how to fix that one panel, it would have cheered her- >up. ALANA: Wow, Tee! How do you do that? TEE: I have 31337 skr!p7r33d!ng sk!11z. > She'd always wondered about his feelings for her, for he never actually >said the words to her. RACH[Tom]: Bite me, woman! ALANA: Isn't that a Klingon come-on, though? > She had hoped, during the last week, that he would TEE: Jump off a high bridge... ARIS: ... but there aren't many of those on the ship. TEE: Well, at least take a tumble from Janeway's chair into some instrument panels. >fight for her, that he would ask her why, and she would tell him. ALANA[Tom]: Why, B'Elanna? Why did you sell my Merriweather Clark Collectable French Cuffs on E-Bay? RACH[B'Elanna]: 'Cause they don't let you auction off body parts online. > >But he hadn't. ARIS: Good for him! > In fact she hadn't seen her at all. TEE: Wow, that's the second-fastest sex-change I've ever seen ALANA: What's the fastest? ARIS: Trust me, Alana, you don't want to ask. > It also bugged her >somehow that ALANA: All these people actually cared about her personal life. Surely there had to be more important things to do on a spaceship? ARIS: Of course not! Why would there be? The whole ship's maintained by a plothole! The chief engineer should know that! ALANA: Right, sorry. I let reality intrude on my thoughts. Won't happen again. > Harry had spent most of his off duty time with her and not >with Tom to maybe comfort her. ARIS: He'd comfort B'Elanna by being with Tom? RACH: No, remember, Tom's been female since the last paragraph. ARIS: Oh. Right. > >***** All: Breaktime! [They exit the theater. RACH takes up station on top of the counter with a book. ARIS stands behind it, leaning over a sketchpad and occasionally adding or erasing a line. ALANA is nursing a cup of coffee and sighing. TEE walks in from offstage right carrying a data-retrieval device.] TEE: Hey, guys... ARIS: Mmm? TEE: What's your last name, Aris? ARIS: Merquoni. [She looks up, confused.] You know that. Why? TEE: Alana? What's your last name? ALANA: Spencer. TEE: Rachel? RACH: Mer--what the hell is up with you today, Tanasha? TEE: Nothing, nothing... I just can't remember my last name, and it was bothering me. [ALL put down their respective activities and look at TEE] ARIS: ... You what? TEE: I can't remember my last name. It's kinda odd. ARIS: Well... uhh... RACH: You must have written it down somewhere. Do you have a driver's license? TEE: I have a forged one under the name 'Trixie Lamour'. ALANA: Passport? TEE: Nope. ARIS: DT license? TEE: Burned up in the tragic Valdemar fire. RACH: ... Valdemar fire? ARIS: Don't ask. Uh... do you have any of your old exploits written down? TEE: Well, that's what I was thinking. But look. I called up both of the Ratliffverse fics AND the beta of GotO, and nothing's in there. ARIS: Where'd you find a copy of GotO? TEE: The internet. Everything's on the internet. RACH: Wow. ARIS: Uh... let's see. You sent me a letter with Firefoot when he turned up with that stuff at the beginning of The Marraketh Connection, did you write it down there? TEE: That's a good idea. Lemme check... nope. ARIS: Uhh... did you say anything near the end of Marraketh? TEE: YOU didn't say anything near the end of Marraketh. ARIS: Rachel, any suggestions? RACH: Well, you could call AuthorGal. TEE: AuthorGal? Any suggestions? [D13. AuthorGal is below the sink, water spurting out the taps, the nozzle, and the pipes.] AG: CALL BACK LATER! [SOL. TEE is looking unusually dejected.] ARIS: Well, we could pick a name. Uhh... Denise? TEE: That's a first name. ARIS: Kurgan? TEE: No! ARIS: Turner? TEE: NO! ARIS: Ashkevron? TEE: Look, lizard... ARIS: MacLeod? TEE: I don't need any suggestions! ARIS: Sheridan? TEE: NOT LISTENING! ARIS: Shreck? TEE: TUNING YOU OUT! NOT LISTENING! ALANA: DeLaris. [TEE and ARIS both turn and stare at her.] ALANA: Just a hunch. [MOVIE SIGN starts flashing. TEE growls and hits it.] ARIS: Avanthaltane? TEE: AUUUUUUUUUUGH! [Door sequence] >Conny sat in the resort, pondering TEE: World domination. > over her discussion with Tom Paris. ARIS: So she's sitting on top of her discussion? ALANA: Huh? RACH: Aris is self-proclaimed grammarnazi of the English language. Don't worry about it. > She >hadn't decided what to do about the information she had gotten from him. TEE: But if the CIA got their hands on it, she was dead. She'd have to go... UNDERCOVER! ALL: Wokka-chikka-wokka-chikka... >But she knew she would confront B'Elanna sooner or later. RACH: This Tom wasn't big enough for the both of them. ARIS: How do you know? RACH: I... ... ... did you just... Aris, I'm both proud and highly ashamed of you. > >Her good friend Jessica entered later, RACH: o/~ Ist this nicht ein Connie's friend? o/~ ALL: o/~ Ja das ist ein Connie's friend! o/~ RACH: o/~ Will she help the plotlessness end? o/~ ALL: o/~ No, she won't help the plotlessness end! o/~ RACH: Darn. Well, it was worth a shot. > noticing Conny's expression she >asked what was wrong. TEE[Conny]: Foot, lawnmower, you figure it out. > >" I was just thinking about Tom and B'Elanna," she just said. RACH: "Come quickly," said Tom swiftly. ARIS: ... I want to hurt you for that, but for the life of me I can't figure out how to justify it. > >"Yeah, poor B'Elanna," Jessica commented. TEE: Poor B'Elanna? What about US?! ALANA: Well, we didn't have to go out with Tom Paris. TEE: Point. > >"So you believe anything coming from the rumor mill ?" ARIS[Jessica]: Well, yeah, don't you? > Donovan snarled >more angrily than she had intended. ALANA: Jessica cowered under her desk and shuddered. TEE: Oh, so she'd intended to snarl *nicely*? ARIS: I've known people who can do that. > >"Conny, what's wrong with you?" she asked after her outburst. TEE: What outburst? Did Jessica snap and forget to mention it? ARIS: I think she means Conny's snarling fit. TEE: You call that an outburst? RACH: You're keeping up with this stuff? Just be zenlike and let it flow around you. ALANA: In my experience, that's a good way to get an asteroid dropped on you. > >"B'Elanna broke up with Tom, not the other way around, Jessica." ALL: Dunh-dunh-DUNNNNNHHHHH!! > ALL: Aaaaaaaaaaand? >***** > >After her conversation with Conny, Jessica Williams entered the messhall to >talk to her friend B'Elanna. ALANA: You notice that everyone's friends in this story? It's like the Satanist's Bible of buddy-buddy movies. > She wanted to know from her whether Conny was >telling the truth or not. TEE: So after half an hour with the torture implements and getting nothing but name, rank, and serial number, she decided to go right to the source. > >Without invitation she sat down next to B'Elanna and Harry Kim. RACH: Who were still playing go fish from five scenes ago. ARIS: And she didn't have an invitation? [ARIS stands up in her seat and points at the window] ARIS[Harrison Ford]: No ticket! [ARIS sits down again] RACH: You've been watching Indiana Jones movies again, haven't you. > >" Is it true?" she asked her. ALANA[Mrs. Peacock]: No, it's a vicious lie! > >"Is what true?" B'Elanna asked her back. ARIS: B'Elanna's back really had nothing to say, so there was silence in the room. > >"That you were the one who terminated the relationship and not Tom." ALL: Dunh-dunh-DUNNNNNHHHHH!! > >Harry looked at B'Elanna with disbelieve. ARIS: No! Run! This! Rage! What! ARRRRRRRRGH! RACH: ... Woah, they broke Aris. TEE: Cool. > "You broke it off"? he asked. RACH[Harry]: I mean, I know he's always pestering the girls for action, but that doesn't mean you have to snap off his- ARIS: I'm better now! >As she didn't answer he knew she had. TEE: And this one realization wounded him so badly that he grabbed his dinner knife and impaled B'Elanna's left eyeball! ALANA: Eeeeew. > >"For the last week the whole crew has given him the cold shoulder for >hurting you and now you tell us that RACH[Harry]: - it's *heat* on sprains and not ice! > he was the one that really needed the >support of a friend. I can't believe this." ALL: We can! > >"I thought everyone knew that," she defended herself, ARIS: With her rapier wit? TEE: More like her soggy cabbage wit. > aware that all >occupants of the messhall were listening. RACH[B'Elanna]: I will now recite the Gettysburg Address. > >"But why?" Jessica wanted to know, not telling her what Tom had heard. > >And so B'Elanna explained it to them. TEE: And they all died of boredom. ARIS: No, Tee, that's us. > >***** >The next few weeks were hellish. ALANA: Having run out of new ideas, they were forced to rehash old TOS plots with a cast unfit for the parts! > Having been told the truth, everyone had >tried to make amends with Tom Paris. TEE[Crewmember]: You *didn't* ditch that Klingon slut? Give me my mysoginist's club commemorative beer stein back! ARIS[Tom]: Sorry, I broke it while trashing my quarters. > >But the pilot wasn't reacting to any of it. RACH: They were going to start him on shock therapy in a week or so. > He was not going out, engageing >in his normal social activities anymore, TEE: What about his *ab*normal social activities? ARIS: Or thinking in correct parallel structure? > nor was he doing anything with >heart. ALL[Four-part harmony]: o/~ Ya gotta have HEAAAAAART! / All ya really need is HEAAAAART! o/~ > Not even sitting at the helm of Voyager seemed to be pleasurable. ALANA: Well, seeing as they're still not *getting* anywhere... > He >was not interacting with the other crewmembers at all. ARIS: He'd started calling everyone 'Roger.' > >Even B'Elanna had tried to save their relationship, but he was adamant. RACH[B'Elanna]: You draw me, you hard-hearted adamant! And yet you draw not iron, for my heart is true as steel! Leave you your power to draw and I shall have no power to follow you! TEE: If you say 'I am your spaniel' I'll have to hurt you. > >He spent most of his free time in his quarters or on the holodeck. > >The crew was getting extremely worried. ALANA: It's about *time* they realized they're in a cruddy fanfic! > >Freddie Bristow had after a while stopped pursuing B'Elanna Torres, ARIS: Since his feet were starting to get pretty tired from running around. RACH: If he'd only realized he was trapped on that giant hamster wheel... ALANA: Don't we have one of those? > for she >had told him how little she enjoyed being in his company. > >She had also made it clear that she would try to be friends with Tom again. ALANA[as B'Elanna/Helena]: All school-days' friendship, childhood innocence... RACH: So who strips? TEE: Anyone but Tom. > >She was extremely worried about him. ARIS: No, she wasn't. > And now knew that she did not want to >be separated from him. ALANA: o/~ How do I live without you... o/~ TEE[Ariana Waynes]: I musta tripped down a rabbit hole or something... > She had now learned that from first- hand >experience. RACH: Her hand, his- ARIS: Rach! RACH: Playstation 2. What? What!? > >***** >Tom Paris paced his quarters. TEE: The rug was all worn out by now, and another millimeter through the floor and he'd fall through the decks. > Pain was radiating from his arm which seemed >to be broken in two places. ALANA: It only 'seemed' that way? So it wasn't really broken? ARIS: What is reality, anyway? TEE: Dunno about reality, but the Quality of this story would be improved by the technique of having Tom drop dead from gangrene right now. > >His excursions to the holodeck seemed to be the only things that kept him >going theses days. RACH: Non-theses days he could just go and get laid. > >Although the crew was reaching out to him again. ARIS: Although... what? WHAT? Don't just leave me with a subordinate clause, you monster! RACH: Tom's a sub clause? Kinky. ARIS: ... > He still didn't feel >anything in regard to them nor to B'Elanna, ALANA: But that was just because his prozac supplies had run out. The doctor assured him that he could synthesize more in a few years... > who he had evaded every time >she'd try to talk to him. ARIS[B'Elanna]: But Tom, wait! I need to tell you about Starfleet's low 7.9% APR! > >At first it was a good thing not to feel anything, but now it was >tormenting him. RACH: It hurt to feel no pain! > >The only way he knew he was still alive was if he injured himself on the >holodeck. TEE: Good! Go make sure you're still alive some more, Tom! > He didn't know who he was. RACH[Sebastian]: Who are you? ALANA[Tom]: I don't know! RACH[Sebastian]: Unacceptable answer! *ZZT!* ALANA[Tom]: Woah! I'm alive! Do that again! > Nor did he feel anything at all. ARIS: Thank you. This message is brought to you by the redundancy department of redundancy, bringing you this message. Thank you. > >He knew if he didn't do something about it soon, he TEE: -Might just turn normal again! ALL: AIEEE! > would break from it. TEE: Oh, phew. That we can handle. ARIS: Unless he starts throwing flowers again. TEE: Yeah. > >Give me love, TEE&ALANA[Cheerleaders]: Gimme an L! ARIS&RACH[Echo]: L! TEE&ALANA[Cheerleaders]: Gimme an O! ARIS&RACH[Echo]: O! TEE&ALANA[Cheerleaders]: Gimme a V! ARIS&RACH[Echo]: V! TEE&ALANA[Cheerleaders]: Gimme an E! ARIS&RACH[Echo]: E! TEE&ALANA[Cheerleaders]: What's that spell? ARIS&RACH[Echo]: LOVE! > give me pain, TEE&ALANA[Cheerleaders]: Gimme a P! ARIS&RACH[Echo]: P! TEE&ALANA[Cheerleaders]: Gimme an A! ARIS&RACH[Echo]: A! TEE&ALANA[Cheerleaders]: Gimme an I! ARIS&RACH[Echo]: I! TEE&ALANA[Cheerleaders]: Gimme an N! ARIS&RACH[Echo]: N! TEE&ALANA[Cheerleaders]: What's that spell? ARIS&RACH[Echo]: TOM PARIS IS A MORON! ALL: YAAAY! > give me myself again. ARIS: Gimme a- Wait, we already did that one. > >He needed to do something. RACH: Quickfire! Suggestions for Tom Paris' new life! TEE: Jump off a cliff! ARIS: Walking on hot coals! ALANA: Machete juggling! RACH: Crocodile wrestling! TEE: Suicide Squad member! ARIS: Live organ donor! RACH: Politics! [ALL pause, then shudder] ALL: Eeeeeeewwwwww. > >***** [Door sequence] [SOL: TEE is running a huge candylike "Wheel Of Fortune"-esque wheel in the background. In front of her, lined up game-show-contestant fashion, are ARIS, ALANA, and MIKE NELSON dressed in a Starfleet uniform. RACH is standing in front of a Jeapordy-like line of televisions on the other side of TEE.] TEE[grinning broadly]: And now, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to... [Drumroll and horns] TEE: WHEEL! [The word 'WHEEL' is superimposed on the screen] TEE: OF! [The word 'OF' appears under WHEEL] TEE: MISFORTUNE!! [The word 'MISFORTUNE' is superimposed on the other words. Cheery music plays. Several representations of sharp and painful objects flash on the screen, completely obscuring the contestants. After a moment, TEE reaches up and wipes the screen clear with her sleeve] TEE: Today, we have THREE great contestants! Rachel, why don't you introduce our contestants to the audience, and each other! RACH: Sure, Tee! First up, we have Alana Spencer! Alana spent her fanfic life chasing after the baddest bad boy of Babylon Five before getting turned into a plasma ball at his behest! [Canned laughter and applause] RACH: Next is Aris Merquoni! Aris appeared in a Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic where she summarily saved the day, broke the laws of physics, and then left to become a cosmetic saleswoman on Vega! ARIS: Hey! Those rumors are completely unsubstantiated! [Canned laughter and applause] RACH: What-ever! And last up we have Tom Paris, right off the USS Voyager! Tom is a lifeless, spineless jerk who just lost his half-Klingon girlfriend and spends his evenings getting beat up by his imaginary friends! [Suddenly flirtatious] You know, Tom, if you want someone to tear you up you don't have to wander down to the holodeck alone... TEE: RACH! Mind on the game! [Canned laughter and applause] RACH[sighing]: Fine, mistress. TEE: And don't call me that on camera! RACH: Fine. Okay, first up is a category called 'Angst and its conduits.' Tom? You drew the short straw! Pick a number, spin the wheel, or take a kick to the balls from our host? "TOM": Uh, sure. I mean, pick a number. RACH: ... What number would you like? "TOM": I don't care. I can't feel anything. TEE: Really? [TEE swiftly kicks TOM ... ... you know. There.] "TOM": HOLY MOTHER OF %&*(#Q)%^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Canned laughter and applause] RACH: Okay, Alana, you're next! ALANA: I'll spin the wheel! [ALANA steps over to the wheel and gives it a yank. The wheel clatters until stopping, and an illuminated sign above it reads 'Number Six'] TEE: And what's Number Six, Rachel? RACH: A boot to the head! [TEE boots ALANA in the head. SH-ZOOMP!] RACH: ... For Tom Paris. ALANA: Ungh... TEE: Sorry 'bout that. [TEE re-aims for "TOM". SH-ZOOMP!] "TOM": Ow! [Canned laughter and applause] RACH: Aris? ARIS: I'll take Number Three. RACH: Question Three is: If you came face-to-face with a character whose only purpose in a fanfic was to create or disperse angst, what would you give them? ARIS: Uhh... this is a tough one... I'd have to say... hmm... Ice cream. [Long pause] TEE: ... Ice cream? ARIS: Boot to the head flavored. TEE: Oh! RACH: Correct! And you have won... a boot to the head for Tom Paris! [TEE takes aim again. SH-ZOOMP!] "TOM": Awk! I'm Carol Channing! Unghhhh.... [collapses under the desk] [Canned laughter and applause] TEE: Well, that's all for tonight, folks! Catch us next time on... [Echo effect=on] TEE: WHEEL! OF! MISFORTUNE!! [Canned laughter and applause] [Echo effect=off. Sirens break out] ALL: MOVIE SIGN! OF! MISFORTUNE!! [Door sequence] > >Tuvok woke up in the middle of the night, RACH: His hand on his- ARIS: Nnnnnnnnn- RACH: Gun. I was going to say gun. Don't you trust me, Aris? > due to the constant ringing of >his door-chime. ALANA: Amplifying the constant ringing in his ears due to the constant drinking of some beers some hours before. > "Enter", he said. ARIS: "Murder", she wrote. > >He raised an eyebrow as he recognized his visitor. TEE: He raised his gun the moment after. > "Mister Paris. TEE[Tuvok]: Die, please. [ALL make gunshot, wild screaming, and secondary/tertiary explosion noises] > May I >remind you that it is the middle of the night and that you as a human need >your rest." RACH[Tuvok]: I, as a Vulcan, am getting it on with three Gogolian slave-dancers and need some... Aris, aren't you going to interrupt me? ARIS: Don't worry. Just think that all this time I'm sitting here quietly, I'm really plotting my hideous and permanent revenge. RACH: ... I'll be good. > >"I know that Tuvok, ALANA[Tom]: It's *this* Tuvok that I'm having trouble identifying! > but this is important. I need your help," he stated. RACH[Tom]: I... [pause. Looks at ARIS] I... [pause] ... nnnnnnnnng! > >"I assume this is of a personal nature. ARIS[Tom]: Hell, no! I woke you up at two in the morning to give you my sanitation systems report! > I will return shortly. Please be >seated on the floor, Ensign." RACH[Tuvok]: You can pile the magazines over there. They're... err... just for the articles. > >He left the room for a short while. TEE: It was just enough time to let Paris rewire his alarm clock with the C-4 and the explosive fuse. Two more minutes, and Voyager would be history. > >As he returned with his mediation lamp Tom was already seated on the floor. ALANA: He'd gotten out the Monopoly board *and* the coloring books! > He kneeled down in front of Tom and placed the lamp between them. ALL: o/~ You shine a little love on my life / And let me see! o/~ [ALL perform cheezy disco moves] > >"What is the nature of your problem, Mister Paris ?" the Vulcan asked >wondering what might bring him to seek his help at this hour. ARIS[Tom]: Well, I have this problem with commas. Everywhere I go, they start flying out of other people's sentences and sticking to me. There, it happened again! , RACH: I'm not even going to comma on that. TEE: Ow! My war wound! > >At first it seemed as tough Tom would not answer, RACH: Tough Tom had better things to do than talk with Wimpy Tuvok! > he kept staring at the >floor. But then, he finally started to talk. ALANA[Tom]: Your carpet needs washing. > >"I can't feel anymore. I don't feel anything, Tuvok." he explained. ARIS: Gee, that's not much of an explaination. RACH: Well, Tom's not much of a guy. > >Tuvok raised his eyebrow again. TEE: Then he bashed Tom over the head with it. > >A Vulcan not feeling something was normal but a human? ARIS[Tom]: Augh! Commas again! , > It would mean an >extreme ability of self control. As for Tom Paris... RACH: Tom Paris had *no* control, if you know what I mean... ALL: We don't. > >Tom realized Tuvok needed more information so he continued. ALANA: Tuvok? What about *us*? TEE: Do you really want to know what's going on in Tom's head? ALANA: ... good point. > >"It started after the break-up with B'Elanna. I remember feeling like the >world had collapsed around me. ARIS: No, that was just your quarters. > But at least I was feeling. I also remember >my anger at her for jumping in bed with Lasalle. I remember totally losing >control in my quarters. RACH: ... [glances at Aris] ... nng! I hate you. > I was crying, throwing things. But as I woke up the >next morning. ARIS[Tom]: I decided to start a comma collection. Under the bed. Where I keep things. Like periods. Which I'm using. Instead of commas. > It was all...gone. ALANA[Tom]: All my years of research, all my efforts, all the contributions of the donors and the John Johnson fund... my pain, my sweat, blood, and tears... the agonizing sleepless nights, the horrible nightmares, the failures, the hopes, the dreams... all of it, taken down in one fell swoop of destruction! OH THE HUMANITY!! [The others applaud lightly] ALANA: Thank you. Thank you very much. > >At first I thought it was a good thing. TEE[Tom]: I mean, what's the harm of frequent flyer miles? Then I had to sell my soul to Satan to cover the insurance, and here I am in this fanfic! > I didn't hurt over the breakup. RACH[Tom]: But then, I was too busy staring at my love-goddess physique to even think about it. ARIS: ENOUGH, already! >What the others said. ALANA: What *did* the others say? RACH: Did they insult his love-goddess physique? ARIS: AAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!! *explode* RACH: ... okay, sheesh, I'll stop already. TEE: Don't let it bother you. She just does this to get attention. > It didn't bother me anymore. ALANA[Tom]: I work for the Star Trek marketing industry. After a while, nothing bothers you anymore. > I couldn't feel my own >unworthiness anymore and for a while I was okay. TEE[Tom]: Then I snapped and killed everyone on the ship. That sound healthy to you? > But Tuvok. RACH[Delenn]: But. But. But but. I but. You but. He or she but. But but but but but... ARIS[regaining consciousness]: You sound like a motorboat. RACH[Delenn]: Motor-but? [ARIS wavers, then falls over again] > I don't feel. ALANA: Don't we all wish for that right now. ARIS[groaning]: Amen! >If I don't feel anything, not who am I, nor who I want to be. Nothing. [The light comes back to ARIS' eyes] ARIS: If you don't feel anything, at least get your parallel structure right before you go! And divide out those double negatives! >Nothing seems to matter to me anymore. I don't even know who I am. RACH: Unfortunately, we do. > It does >not feel... like me. Am I even still alive?" TEE: You won't be when I'm through with you! > >"Who am I, Tuvok?" RACH: o/~ TWO FOUR SIX OH O-- [RACH is cut off rather sharply as ARIS shoves her fist into RACH's mouth] RACH[muffled]: Mmkyy, mmkyy, lll shtfh! > >"Mister Paris. You must RACH: Talk like William Shantner. For our survival. And the survival of this story. Depends on it. > be aware that the powers of a Vulcan lay in his >ability to supress emotions, not bringing them to the surface. However >given the circumstances, TEE [as Tuvok]: I think your angst is too powerful and I must join you in it. ALL: Nooooo! > I believe it was a prudent course of action to >seek me. I believe that to save yourself from emotional collapse TEE[Tuvok]: You need to take this board, grip it like so... now just follow my example. [chants] Pie Jesu Domine -- [ALL make *THWUD*ding noises] > your body >and mind forbid yourself to experience those painful emotions. You've >developed a barrier to prevent further hurt. ALANA[Tuvok]: We're just going to have to RIP that barrier down, exposing your naked psyche to all the terrors your unconcsious mind can create! MWAHAHAAAA! TEE: That's my job, ingrate. > >The reason for that may not only be this recent problem with Lieutenant >Torres but past events, as well. RACH[Shrink]: Hmmm. Very interesting. ALANA[Tom]: What? RACH[Shrink]: You seem to have been a loser all your life. Hmm. ALANA[Tom]: Wow, doc, you just solved ALL my problems! No wonder! Jeez! How can I ever thank you? RACH[Shrink]: Here's my bill... > >To find the root of your problem I suggest meditation," Tuvok elaborated. TEE[Tuvok]: And here's *my* bill. > >"Anything that helps, Tuvok. What should I do?" ARIS: Just stand on your head and quack like a duck. That'll make you all better. > >"Concentrate on the meditation lamp and try to remember..." ALL[chanting]: Quack. Quack. Quack. Quack... > >***** >Tom Paris was reading a book in his quarters, but the usual joy was >missing. RACH: Ever since the crew swapped his Playbeing mags for Harlequin romances, pr0n wasn't fun any more! ARIS: Line. Back. > >For four days now, he was being counseled by Tuvok. But the constant >meditations had brought no results at all. ALANA[Tuvok]: Okay, Tom, next time I'm just going to give you LSD. > >He was frustrated by his inability to feel ARIS: .... wait, but if he couldn't feel-- ALANA: Just don't think about it too much, darling. > and he needed the release he >could only get on the holodeck, the one thing that showed him that he was >still alive. RACH: Sex! ARIS: Drugs! ALANA: Rock n' Roll! [ALL boogie to unheard music] > >As he entered the holodeck, he immediately started a battle simulation. ALL: Oh. TEE: Blood was gonna be my next guess. >Right now he was fighting at the side of king Arthur, the King of Camelot. ARIS: Camelot! RACH: Camelot! ALANA: Camelot! TEE: It's only a model. ALL: SSH! > >He swung his sword from side to side, taking down his enemies, but it >stirred no feelings what so ever. TEE: It did, however, stir the air, as well as the blood and guts of his opponents... ALANA: Eeeeew! > >After a long, dirty battle with a villain opponent, he failed to see the ax >of a wild looking man coming his direction. TEE: Then he died. ARIS: Ah, if only there was justice in the fanfic world... > >Pain rushed trough him as he felt the ax slice his stomach and cut trough >his skin. TEE: Then he died. RACH: You're desperate, aren't you, Tee? > It was a relief to know he was still able to feel the pain. TEE: Then he DIED. In the RAIN. ARIS: Invoking Hemmingway won't get you anywhere. > >***** ALANA: What's a Hemmingway, anyway? ARIS: About 70 kilos, I suppose. ALANA: ... >Tom Paris was five minutes late. ALANA: But since no one seemed to care, everything went on as usual. > That in itself was not cause for worry, RACH: Since nothing ever got *done* on the bridge, anyway... >but he'd behaved atypically lately, so Kathryn Janeway wondered if there >was something wrong. ALANA: But I thought his private life was common knowledge on that ship. TEE: Only when it's convenient. ALANA: Oh. > >"We should give him another five minutes." Chakotay, her first officer RACH: ... But not her last! Heh, heh... ARIS: On my signal, dogpile Rachel. Ready? RACH: I'MSORRYI'MSORRY! >marked. TEE: So if he says it again, will it finally be a remark? ALANA: No, it's a time count. Like: "Needless backstory filler on my mark... mark!" > A generous offer for him, for he hadn't been best friends with the >pilot, while they'd both been in the Maquis together. TEE: Wow, Alana, you must have developed some of those 'leet scriptreading skills yourself! ALANA: Thank yew. > >She nodded. > >But after five minutes, Tom Paris still had not shown up and both the >Captain and the Commander were getting worried. RACH[Janeway]: You don't suppose he's sabotaging the ship, do you? ARIS[Chakotay]: Tom? Sabotaging the ship? *snicker* *chuckle* *guffaw* RACH[Janeway]: True, sabotage does require brains... > >Tuvok, who was the only one knowing of Tom's condition called for his >location. ARIS[Tom]: THE COMMAS! THEY'RE AFTER ME! , , > >"Tom Paris is currently on holodeck two," The compute announced. ALANA[Rimmer]: Just one question. TEE[Queeg]: Yes? ALANA[Rimmer]: What does 'compute' mean? TEE[Queeg]: JUST DO IT! > >"Chakotay, you're with me," the Captain ordered. > >"Captain," Tuvok interfered. TEE[Janeway]: WHAT? I'LL HAVE YOUR ASS FOR INSUBORDINATION, YOU VULCAN CREEP! > >"I believe I should come as well." The Captain nodded, thinking that maybe >Tuvok feared a matter of security. TEE[Janeway]: Oh, all right. I guess you have a point. ARIS: She's rather lax with her chain of command, isn't she. > >***** >They entered the holodeck shortly after that. The Knights were still >fighting at the side of the mighty King Arthur and the Starfleet officers >were almost drawn into the fight. > >"Computer, freeze program." The Captain ordered. TEE[Computer]: Buffer overload. Fandago on core. ALANA: Ah, the little dreams we dream... > >"What kind of program is this", Chakotay asked, disgusted at all the blood. ARIS: Why, it's wacky madcap programming! > >"Mister Paris," Tuvok called Tom, but didn't get an answer. RACH[Tom]: I have to, uh, wax my hair... I mean shave the cat... I mean take the car to the vet... > "Computer, >deactivate holoprogram Paris beta 6." TEE[Tuvok]: Initiate holoprogram 'Tom Paris Meets the Yakuza.' > >Immediately the program disappeared only to be replaced by the yellow grid. ALL: AAH! GRID! > >They noticed the still form on the floor immediately. TEE[hopeful]: Is he dead? > Chakotay ran over to >check for a pulse and was taken aback by the state Paris was in. TEE: But is he dead? > He was >bruised and bloody all over, a big gash was evident on his forehead. TEE: Is he *dead*, doc? > >As Chakotay couldn't find a pulse, he became worried for the younger man's >life. TEE: No pulse! That means he's dead, right? ALANA: Tee, don't get your hopes up. > He quickly called for an emergency medical beam out and Tom's body >disappeared. ARIS: Yeah, now that they've got 'im in Sickbay, Nothing Can Go Wrong. TEE: *grumblemuttercurse* > >***** >B'Elanna, Harry and Conny Donovan were seated in Harry's quarters, >discussing the situation. RACH[Harry]: Face it. We have no plot, no good writers, and no hope. I've got a line on Lone Gunmen for next season. B'Elanna, you need a tip? > >"We have to find a way to make Tom talk," Harry said. ALANA[Harry]: I just *know* he has the HalfLife cheat codes. > >"The night, in his quarters, it was so clear to me that Tom loves you. I >don't understand the way he's reacting now," Conny mentioned. TEE: I told you, a vase shard to the throat can do that to a guy. > >"I can't believe I've let my own insecurities control my decisions again. I >should never have been so selfish," B'Elanna interfered. ARIS[Harry]: Thank you for sharing, B'Elanna, but we're talking about Tom's problems now... > >"B'Elanna, you were afraid he'd leave you, he'd hurt you because he never >told you he loves you. I think it's somehow understandable," Harry soothed >her. ALL: ... HUH? > >"And Tom didn't think he was worthy of you in the first place, so he chose >to let you go, since he thought you'd leave him eventually. You're really >quite a pair, you know that?" Conny marked. ARIS[Harry]: Now, Conny, we're here to embrace each other's lifestyles and help understand each other's predicaments. B'Elanna, why don't you share how Conny's comment made you feel. TEE: Aris, I'm about to get violent. You won't like me when I'm violent. > >Harry nodded. > >"There is just one thing I don't understand. If you love Tom. Then why does >Tom think you cheated on him with Joseph Lasalle," Conny asked, bewildered. RACH[B'Elanna]: I didn't. What part of "I broke up with Tom" don't you understand? > >"Cheated on him? ALL: Yep. > With Joseph Lasalle? ALL: Yep. > That Moron?" ALL: Yep. RACH: She's not all there, is she? > B'Elanna's voice >had risen now. > >"He said he heard you. In Lasalle's quarters. Together. Having sex." ALANA[B'Elanna]: What? Sex? We were just having a game of foozball! > >"I don't know how he could have heard that, I've never even set foot into >Lasalle's quarters." RACH[B'Elanna]: There was a *reason* he made me walk on my hands! > >"Well, then maybe we should ask Lasalle," Harry suggested. TEE[Conny]: Maybe we should ask B'Elanna. ARIS[B'Elanna]: Maybe we should ask Tom. ALANA[Harry]: Maybe we should ask the writer. TEE: Fft, like *she* knows what's going on... > >***** >The Captain, Tuvok and Chakotay were gathered in sickbay. All glanced >worriedly to the biobed where the doctor was working on Tom Paris. RACH[Janeway]: I should have told him to clip *all* the arteries, not just the aorta, just to be safe... > >What was going to happen? TEE: Hopefully, Tom was going to DIE. In GREAT PAIN. ALANA: They're in Sickbay. It's already too late. > >It felt like a deja vu. Wasn't this the same thing that had happened to >B'Elanna a year ago or was it maybe different? ARIS: Uh, the same. No, wait, different. No, uh... is there a third option? > >All had witnessed the state Tom had been in, but no one had really done >anything about it. They all hadn't thought it would come this far. TEE: Yeah, they thought he'd just collapse and die when he had that little spastic fit in his quarters. > >"He's stable," the doctor said after coming over to them, ALL: BOOOOOOO! > "but until his >emotional problems are resolved, there is no way I can prevent a relapse." ALL: YAAAAAAY! > >"What exactly iswrong with him?" the Captain asked. RACH[Doctor]: Well, for some reason he thinks he's a duck... ALANA[Tuvok]: Not my fault! > >"The symptoms everyone described are all pointing to severe Depression." ARIS[Doctor]: The stock market just went through the floor, I swear. So stop buying on margin and investing in overvalued bubble stocks... >the Doctor explained. "The low levels of serotonine and dopamine in his >brain support this diagnostic. TEE[Doctor]: The high levels of strychnine that I injected should make this moot in about five minutes. > Tuvok said, he was unable to experience >pleasure, which is a condition known as Anhedonia." > >"Anhedonia?" Chakotay asked. > >"The inability to experience pleasure." the Doctor elaborated. ARIS: Oh, you mean anhedonia. RACH: Anhedonia? ALANA: That's the inability to experience pleasure. ARIS: Oh, like anhedonia. TEE: Anhedonia? RACH: Yeah, the inability to experience pleasure. ALANA: Oh, you mean anhedonia. ARIS: Anhedonia? TEE: I think you mean amnesia. > >"Tuvok, I know you worked with Tom. Is there anything you can do?" >Chakotay looked at the Vulcan, waiting for an answer. ARIS: As he waited, hydrogen was pulled into contact with dark matter, forming suns and galaxies in the blackness of space... ALANA: Planets formed from the debris, congealing and cooling as they orbited distant balls of light... RACH: Glaciers crept across the landscape, crushing everything beneath great sheets of ice... TEE: And finally, Tuvok spoke! > >"I have thought about this a great deal. ARIS[Tuvok]: I like vanilla. > Do you remember what Mister Paris >was like in the beginnings of our journey together?" he asked. RACH: An asshole? [ALL shush her vigorously] > >"How could I forget," Chakotay answered. ALL: o/~ I'll never forget about Larry / No matter how I try! o/~ > >"He had covered his true persona under a devil- may- care facade and didn't >let anyone come too close. ALANA: Not that anyone *wanted* to come too close to a weird guy with a bunch of flower vases in his room... RACH: I told you, Tom's the *sensitive* type. > While talking to Mister Paris in our sessions, I >found out that these walls didn't always exist. ARIS[Tuvok]: There was a time when Tom Paris' emotions roamed free across the land! TEE: ... Yuck. > There must have been a time >when he trusted his friends completely and without question. RACH[Zoe, fuzzy]: Sure, Bun-bun! I'd love to have a net-cam in my shower! > >There must have been some kind of trauma which changed that. He built his >defense mechanisms to protect himself from further hurt. TEE[Tuvok]: But after a while, carrying a butress around got to be too much back strain, so he decided to just stop wearing deoderant. > >As time went on, Mister Paris learned to trust again and his walls came >down. I think we have B'Elanna Torres to thank for that. ALANA[Tuvok]: She weilded the psychological Horn of Jericho on Tom's naked psyche! > >But as the very same person shattered that trust, his mind needed to find >new ways to keep itself from being mentally damaged. RACH[Tuvok]: Obviously, it failed. > Since the former >defense mechanisms were gone, it simply constructed a new one, the >Anhedonia." Tuvok explained. ALANA: Anhedonia? RACH: Okay, cut it out. > >"And what can we do to help Tom and get this new defense mechanism down?" >Janeway asked. RACH[Tuvok]: Nothing. Want a beer? > >"We have to find the root of the problem," Tuvok elaborated. Tee[Tuvok]: If we give him a full frontal lobotomy, we by definition remove the problem. > "The trauma >that happened in the very distant past." > >"And that would be?" the Doctor interrupted. ARIS[Tuvok]: It's the bad stuff that happened long before the present. But that's not important right now. > >"I believe it was Caldik Prime." RACH: Huh? ALANA: What? TEE: Who? > >***** >B'Elanna, Harry and Conny entered the messhall and went straight for >Lasalle's table in the corner. RACH: Lock S-foils in attack formation. Set course to intercept. > >It was common knowledge that Joseph was no fan of Tom Paris. ALANA: Especially after he'd learned that Tom kept flowers in his room. > >"Could you explain why Tom believes I cheated on him. With you?" she >blurted out, not caring what the others might think. ARIS: Isn't her personal life *already* common knowledge on the ship? TEE: Only when it's convenient, remember. ARIS: Oh, like the shuttlecraft. > >"I have no idea what you're talking about, Torres." ARIS[Joseph]: I mean, the way you phrased that sentence was all wrong. The subclause 'with you' should go before the period-- RACH: Aris, this time *I* get to hit *you*. ARIS: I'll be good. > >Freddie Bristow came from behind. He had made a decision. RACH: The decision to reveal his alternate lifestyle, once and for all! To show everyone that, in the end, he was just a sweet transvestite, that he was-- ARIS: Down, Rach. > >"It was a ruse, B'Elanna," he explained to her. ALL: Oh! ARIS[B'Elanna]: Gee, why didn't I think of that? > >"Bristow, are you stupid?" Lasalle screamed at him. ALANA[Bristow]: Maaaaaaaaaybe. > >B'Elanna sent an ugly glare into his direction. "A ruse," she stated. ALANA[Bristow]: Maaaaaaaaaybe. > >"Lasalle and Rollins wanted to hurt Tom, they don't think he deserves to be >here." TEE: If they wanted to hurt Tom, why didn't they just let him figure out he was alive some more? RACH: Because not all of us have your talent with chainsaws. TEE: Oh. > >"And after that, do you think YOU deserve to be here." she blew up at >Lasalle. ARIS: It's Katie Kaboom! TEE: And as B'Elanna did the largest splits she ever would, the maintanence crew wept, since it would take days to scrape pieces of her off the ceiling... > >"And how in hell did you do that anyway. And why do you know anything about >this, Bristow." she was raging. ARIS: And why didn't you use a question mark. the audience was raging. > >"I- I was in on the plan." he admitted. RACH[Bristow]: I-I was the sound effects. I-I had to buy the whipped cream... ARIS: Now *I* hurt *you*. RACH: I'll be good. > >"I thought that way I could have you to myself. But I realized I didn't >stand a chance. ALANA: Sheesh, everyone in this crappy fanfic wants to sleep with B'Elanna. > >Rollins stole Seven's data from her mating studies and copied your, you >know... We made an audio tape." RACH[Bristow]: He's still got the video tape. I get it next week--is this okay with you? > >"What?! You- you are going to pay for this, you bastards!" she roared. > >"B'Elanna stop, please." Harry begged. He didn't want her to have any >trouble over this. RACH: Matthew Broderick! ALL: WUSSY BOY! TEE: Michael J. Fox! ALL: WUSSY BOY! ARIS: And Lord God King of the Wussy Boy movement: ALANA: Harry Kim! ALL: WUSSY BOY! > >"I think what the crew will do to them now is worse enough." ARIS: What, congratulate them for such an ingenius plan? ALANA[Crewmember]: We're gonna play 'Twister' until your arms fall off, Lasalle! > >***** >After Tuvok had let the information settle in, he continued. RACH[Richard Feynman]: Now we begin our more detailed study of the different aspects of physics, having finished our description of things in general. To illustrate the ideas and the kind of reasoning that might be used in theoretical physics-- ARIS: Rach, I don't think so. > >"Since my previous efforts to find it have not succeeded, I think there is >only one course of action now." > >"What is it ?" the Captain asked worriedly. ALANA[Janeway]: What if he *doesn't* die? > >"A radical mindmeld." he said. > >"A radical mindmeld?" TEE: Oh, you mean anhedonia. ARIS: Anhedonia? RACH: AAAAARRRRRRGH! > >"Yes. It will determine the cause of Mister Paris trusting problem. He has >successfully repressed the incident until now." TEE[Tuvok]: Until now, when we are free to PRY open his subconscious, letting free the bestial powers of the Id to tear his psychic landscape to SHREDS! MWAHAHAHAAA! ALANA: Somehow, I don't see Tuvok going mwahahahaaa. TEE: Okay, then... [Tuvok] We'll tear his psychic landscape to shreds. Fascinating. > >"Tuvok, you know my opinion about mind melds," the Doctor criticized. > >"Yes, but It is the only way to help Mister Paris, and therefore the >logical course of action." ARIS: Reading him Stephen King novels will help him get better? RACH: No, giant killer clowns will help drive him from the brink of insanity. ARIS: Oh. What? > >***** >Things were quiet here . Tuvok entered Paris' mind deeper. TEE[Tuvok]: Things were quiet here, too. In fact, there seemed to be no mental activity at all. Fascinating. RACH[distorted Gabe Jarret]: TOM? > >A voice. ARIS[Tom]: Who is this? RACH[distorted Gabe Jarret]: THIS IS JESUS, TOM. > >A man's voice. ARIS[Tom]: Okay, really. Who is this? RACH[distorted Gabe Jarret]: CUT THE CRAP, TOM, YOU'RE LIVING IN A CRAPPY FANFIC. > >You're a failure Thomas. I am so disappointed in you. You are no longer my >son. ARIS[Tom]: What? RACH[distorted Gabe Jarret]: WHAT DO YOU THINK A PLOT REJECTED BY EVEN THE WORST HOLLYWOOD TEEN MOVIE PRODUCERS IS FOR? A STUPID PLOT MAKES A STUPID STORY. > >He fell deeper yet. ARIS[Tom]: ... Oh. Yes, I suppose that could be true. RACH[distorted Gabe Jarret]: WHERE'S THE PLOT GOING NOW, TOM? > >I don't love you. I never did, - a woman's voice. ARIS[Tom]: Uh, the author said something about a reconciliation, but... but I don't know how, exactly. > >You're pretty. You're a good fuck. You have connections. ARIS[Tom]: ... WHA-AAT? RACH[distorted Gabe Jarret]: NOTHING! NOTHING! UH... I WANT YOU TO THINK VERY HARD ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE. AND FROM NOW ON-- TEE[distorted Gabe Jarret]: GO DOWN TO THE HOLODECK EVERY DAY AND MAKE SURE YOU STILL EXIST. > >Now you have nothing. RACH: Tee, the Real Genius schtick is *my* thing, okay? TEE: Aww, c'mon, you can't be a threatening mysterious voice *nearly* as well as I can. ALANA: Guys, guys. Can't we just all sing a song together and be happy? > >You're a failure. ALL: o/` He's a failure, la la la... o/` > >A worthless failure. ALL: o/` Total failure, la la la... o/` > >A failure. RACH&ARIS: o/` He's a failure, total failure, he's a failure, la la la! o/` TEE&ALANA: o/` He's a failure, total failure, faiiiiiiilure, laaaaaaaa! o/` > >Worthless. > >Nothing. ARIS: Gee, you think Tom has some issues with rejection because of his past? ALL: NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. > >And a ring fell in slow motion, connected with the floor and rolled away, >into oblivion. RACH: Oh, like that scene at the end of Sixth Sense with the SPOILER WARNING and all of that? TEE: That would require Tom to be dead. [SHORT PAUSE] TEE: YES! Exactly like that! Let me get my shotgun... > >***** >Tuvok's eyes opened with a start. Tom Paris was shivering beneath him. He >was free, but now there was only pain. ALANA: So he's free of everything but pain? ARIS: As long as it's Tom, that doesn't sound too bad right about now. > >He'd have to see until Tom woke up. TEE: Then he'd be able to pull an Oedipus Rex and tear his eyes out. > >He knew now. He understood. ALANA: He *had* a not-so-fresh feeling... > >He informed the Doctor and the Captain of his success. ARIS: ... What success? He'd hit Tom over the head to give him his memory back? RACH: Something like that. > >***** > >Pain. TEE[perking up]: Huh? Someone call me? > >There was just pain. Nothing else. His bed wasn't giving the warmth he >needed. RACH: Neither was Inflatible Ingrid, his polythene pal. ARIS: Tee? Can you-- RACH: SORRY! > >He had been released from sickbay. ALANA: He was now suing the ship's computer for malpractice. > >How can I ever trust again, he asked himself. TEE: You can't. Go make sure you're still alive again. > >His door chimed. ALL: AVON CALLING! > >***** > >B'Elanna pressed the door chime to request an entry to Tom's quarters. RACH[B'Elanna]: Tom, you NEED to hear about the Kingdom of Heaven! > >She needed to clear up some misunderstandings. She hoped it wasn't too >late, that he had come out of this depression. ARIS: She threw open the door to reveal a dead Tom Paris. The end. TEE: Dead? Too good for him. Dying, slowly, from multiple gunshot wounds. ARIS: But that leaves time open for angst. TEE: ... Dead it is. > >***** >"Tom, I need to talk to you. You've been avoiding this. But I want to help >you. I know what you are going through." she begged. RACH[B'Elanna]: True Directions can help restore you to the correct, straight path! > >He didn't answer. He was staring out of the window, his back turned to >B'Elanna. TEE: So she shot him in the back. The end. > >That doesn't change the fact that I heard her with Lasalle. I don't know if >I can trust her yet. but I want to. ARIS[Tom]: to get a capital letter at the start of each sentence. > >Oh, how much I want to. RACH[Tom]: Or just #&$% her. That would work, too. > >"Tom, it was a ruse. Lasalle wanted to hurt you. Nothing happened between >us. Except that I almost broke his nose yesterday." ALANA: Isn't that a klingon come-on, though? RACH[Tom]: You broke his nose? You never break my nose anymore! > >She continued explaining exactly what Lasalle, Rollins and Bristow had >done. ARIS[Tom]: Why didn't *I* think of that? TEE[B'Elanna]: Because it was REALLY STUPI... good point. > >"I love you. I don't want to loose you." RACH[B'Elanna]: I want to keep you chained to my bed! ARIS: I'd kill you, except in this case I think you're absolutely correct in your interpretation. RACH: About time. > >"I don't want to loose you, either." RACH: Mutual bondage. It keeps relationships strong. > >If I don't say it now I might never have a chance with her again. TEE[Tom]: I'd have to pull my own teeth out... > >"I love you, B'Elanna." > >She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She encircled him from behind. ALANA: Then she started the osmotic process that would break him down into nutrients... > >"Oh, Tom, I'm so glad." RACH[B'Elanna]: I've always wanted a human for my very own! I can hug him and love him and sqeeze him and call him George! > >He told her about the mindmeld. ARIS[Tom]: Is it bad that I'm having dreams about being a duck? > >"I just need some time, " he said. [TEE stands up in her seat] TEE: Ahem! A poem for Tom Paris! ARIS: Huh? TEE: I'm reciting a poem. I think we need a little arts chataqua. RACH: ... But we're still in the theater. Shouldn't we-- TEE: Silence! Let me speak! [She clears her throat] TEE: Sad boy, why wander? There is life in your own heart. Deepness, past battles, These can all be expunged. Klingon sex is the only way. Quack like a duck and find your true heart. ARIS: Tee, that was... about the worst poem I've ever heard. RACH: I agree. I really think we should leave the theater now. TEE: You didn't even hear the second stanza! ALANA: ... Oh, great. Fine, let's just hear it and leave. TEE: Thank you. Ahem: This thing that holds you down It will not stay for ever. Take thy sword, AND STAB YOURSELF IN THE FACE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND-- [She is restrained by ARIS, who drags her out of the theater.] > >The End [RACH and ALANA turn to each other] RACH: Um. > >I know it's short. But my muse has almost left me on this one in the end. ALANA: I dunno, maybe it's just that time of month. > >Thanks to my beta readers JK, who helped me get rid of mistakes and >Isabelle S, who helped me completely rewrite a part and of course to Ronda >Sexton... RACH: Don't REMIND me that we're all synchronized, please. That's the last thing I need. > >Finished January 2000 ALANA: C'mon, let's get out of here. [Door sequence] [ARIS is holding TEE's head in a bucket marked 'COLD WATER'. After a few seconds, she pulls back on TEE's head revealing yes, the bucket is full of water, presumably cold] TEE: *gasp* ARIS: There. Feeling better? TEE: Yes, actually. ALANA[offstage]: So it's safe to come out now? ARIS: Yeah, come on. [ALANA and RACH creep on camera] ALANA: So... RACH: Feeling more like a character, Tanasha? TEE: ... you know what? Yes, yes I am feeling more like a character. ALANA: Ah, good. TEE: I've decided that I don't need a backstory, I don't need a family, I don't even need a full name... I just need more of a personality than Tom Paris, and I'm set. RACH: Hooray! ARIS: Goodie! ALANA: Free cookies for everyone! [D13. AuthorGal is eyeing a large tentacle emerging from the faucet of the sink] AG: So bloody bloody heartwarming. [She begins smacking it with a crescent wrench. After the third blow, the tentacle wraps around the wrench and throws it straight into the camera] PWOOSH. AG: Okay, where's that Drano? [Roll credits] Author's Note: Okay, that took a little longer than expected. I wrote three out of the four host segments in one night, after a long two-day span when I couldn't remember Tanasha's last name. (Honestly. I'm pretty sure it IS DeLaris, but it's been sooooo long since I've written anything with her, and all my original text files went up in blue smoke when my hard drive named Valdemar died on me.) I could not have done this without the support of my good friends. First and foremost my co-MiSTer White Star 2, who got me started on this story in the first place. The Lone Gunmen reference was topical when I made it. That gives you some idea of how long this has been sitting on my hard drive. >"The symptoms everyone described are all pointing to severe Depression." >the Doctor explained. "The low levels of serotonine and dopamine in his >brain support this diagnostic. Tuvok said, he was unable to experience >pleasure, which is a condition known as Anhedonia." > >"Anhedonia?" Chakotay asked. > >"The inability to experience pleasure." the Doctor elaborated.